Mother's day

This is me on my visit to my first grandchild. I don't talk much about my children because I don't think it's my right to disclose their business. I've accidentally done that before and it didn't go over well. So today, if I accidentally disclose their business, please ignore that part of the post.

I have three children. I was an only child from a mother who didn't expect to or want to have children. My childhood has been mostly forgotten, both because my short term memory sucks and because it wasn't a particularly happy childhood. There were no kids on the block to play with so I didn't learn to play well with others. My life wasn't really typical. I had to ask what "kick the can" and "king of the mountain" were. I loved school, probably because there were kids there and I got to play with them. Of course also because I just enjoyed reading so much.

I was shocked when I found out the amount of noise 3 kids could make. And the amount of time it took just to keep up with them. As a new mother, I thought I was good at it when my first child was relatively easy. By the time I had had the third one, I was dead certain I could do nothing right. And unfortunately, because of the difficulties in the marriage, I was essentially a single mom. A single mom who fell apart and misbehaved in ways that damaged the children terribly. When I look back on that time, I don't understand how I could have done the things I did and my heart just breaks for the kids. That was over 20 years ago and I still feel awful about the "crazy time". But I am a mother. It is the best thing I ever did, having babies.

I realize that the shameful things I did at that time will haunt me. But since that time I have tried to be the best Mom I can be by showing that no one has to remain stuck in bad behavior. I have asked for forgiveness and I've worked to show a loving, dependable and kind example.

So on Mother's Day, I would like to say to all people with children... If you find yourself in such pain that you can't focus on your children, get help. Love yourself enough to love them.