Pinterest

Follow Me on Pinterest

Monday, October 16, 2017

Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard to get it right. I was reared in a home in an area without children to play with. My mother and father never had people over for a visit. I also never saw my mother clean. Presumably it was done after I was in bed because she did stay up quite late. However there wasn't much cleaning done. I don't remember seeing it. We didn't do much together. Just a little bit of shopping when I was older. I didn't go to get groceries with her. I didn't do much cooking with her. Actually once or twice is all.

I didn't learn things I needed to know. Like what to wear to a school event. (She rarely came to one.) Or what needed to be cleaned and how often and how and when. I realize that I sound really stupid because I still don't know much about it. I can do the things I have been taught to do but I am still learning. And sometimes I feel like blowing up about things I don't know. But at least an old dog can learn new tricks.

One new trick I'm working on this week is getting the dirt and streaks off my windows and mirrors. Now doesn't that sound exciting? Thank goodness for paper towels.

Friday, October 13, 2017

So why try?

I have spent years thinking I knew what other people thought when they look at me. Know the feeling? Well, I have lately examined what I think of other people when I look at them. It scared the pickles out of me. No wonder I have felt judged sometimes. I am way too judgemental sometimes.
And most people don't really look at me. Or make an opinion of me. And if they did, I would be unlikely to know about it.

Wasting my time. Worrying about what others think. When the real problem isn't others but me and what I think. OK I think I need to change it.

One of the ways I wish to think about myself is that I am kind. And that I am loving. That is on my list of things that matter to me that I am satisfied with. I'd also like to be considered a success. And there is a rub for today. Successful at what? Working.........

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Guilty

All of my life, (at least the part I remember), I have felt guilty. I was not a good enough student. Not   a good enough daughter, wife, mother, person. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fashionable enough. Not knowledgeable enough of current mores and morals. Not religious enough, not deep enough, not loving enough. See a pattern here?

Some of the not enoughs came from those I loved and looked up to. I handled those by telling myself it was my lack, my fault, my shortcoming. Others came from the outside in via my own judgement. I needed to have lots of things. I needed to have a look. A style. And I really needed to have all of the must-haves in the magazines and on TV. I am really good at self-deprecation. One thing I have enough of. After focusing on everything but reality about me, I'm trying to come to terms with my enemy---ME.

Love to all. Judy

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Mind over matter

Didn't take driver's ed. Dad taught me on a 3 on the column stick shift in a rattletrap. But I learned. And by wrecking my mom's car I also learned not to stare at or look for boys while driving. I should have had a clue but I didn't.

I have been trying to discern what is real and what is not in the last few months. Since  Nov. The news is not the problem. I think I have a handle on that. I mean ideas like---having a lot of something will make me feel good. Or---vacuuming and dusting makes the house clean. Or eating something to fill the space inside is enough to satisfy.

I have returned from a visit with family that has truly opened my eyes. First I found that what I have been doing is impeding my growth as a person,(except for my girth). I was unable to function in the environment I entered. Too tired too easily. Too sore too quickly. Too hot. Just too hot. I had thought I was doing well until I tried to walk a ways. I have a bad back and bad knees so I've not exercised. And I seem to be tired so I rest a lot. Not working. You cannot save up energy to use later. (still learning new/old/should have known.) So I come home and guess what. I am now seeing why I have been tired. I get bored. Really bored. And depressed. And tired and bored and depressed. I used to deal with depression by planning a fun activity. Quit doing that a long time ago.

Another thing I have found is that my diet is that of a barely functioning 2 year old. I put what I can reach without work into my mouth. Cooking? Hey, 2 year olds don't cook. So I have dropped the monster energy drinks and added good foods to my diet. Now I'm not quite so tired.

There are other things I am mulling over. And I would like to do a revamp of many of my beliefs about health that I have clung to for many years. It's about time.

Till next time. Judy

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Lost

For some reason my 2017 blogs have been lost. I guess I'll start again.

Monday, November 28, 2016

That was then

How is it that a person can not see what is right in front of them? I've been back in therapy and I think I have turned a corner. I have had some breakthroughs. And I have had some issues to finally deal with in order to be OK with me.

I thought I needed to have a style. So I chose boho. I thought I needed to look outside myself and my life for guidance. And I found that the outside is not important. I took this photo several years ago. It was before the sleeve surgery. It was before I realized that change must come from me and that buying things is only a temporary fix for feeling down. I need stimulation but I was staying home and doing nothing to improve my days. Well, fast forward a few years and I am totally different in my outlook. I don't need anyone to make me feel OK. I can actually do it myself.

I met an artist the other day. She is quite pretty and really good at her art. She seems driven. I began to compare myself to her and coming out wanting. But then my mind and heart told me that I like me and my life better than if I was living her life. I just couldn't do it. I actually relaxed into a feeling of self satisfaction. New to me.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

I have found it

I have found my niche. I've read about blogging that I should have a niche. A set of things that appeal to others. I've found mine--- I'm over 70 and overweight. I'm under pressure and underfunded. I'm unable to afford the high fashion things and unable to let go needing them. I'm unfocused and unwise in my shopping. I'm putting things together from discount stores and thrift. I'm not thrifty. I'm dissatisfied with myself and angry about my unwillingness to diet. So if you understand/practice these actions, this is your niche too.

Oh, I forgot to say I'm boring. I have a reluctance to go out in hot weather. But summer is almost over. At least it is supposed to be over soon. So my chance at fashion and style is returning. In the summer I look at blogs, see women in jackets, sweaters, and with large scarves and I wonder where in hell do they live. I mean hell. It is freaking hot here. A scarf around my neck would cause no end of discomfort in 90+ degree weather. There are other things I don't do in the summer. Like wear cuff bracelets and heavy necklaces. And wear anything tight. And wear anything that feels hot. So I limit myself to the simple, flats, pants/shorts, and a T style top.

Being overweight and having no interest in discomfort, I stick with stretch and elastic. Waist. I'm not into spanx. I'm not into tight waist items. Belts---nope. Where does this leave me?

Walmart. I found a cute peasant blouse at Walmart. Fifteen dollars. I now have it in four colors. I found the cutest pair of floral flats at Walmart. Six dollars. I have some stretch jeans from Walmart. Granted they aren't 7For All Mankind. But they fit. Nice plus for me.

Marshalls. I found the best bag I've had in a long time at Marshalls. Beige with fringe. I've been using it quite a while without needing or wanting to change. It was on sale for $24. And I've gotten bras, (I'm a 40DDD) for $12. Super nightgowns for $12. Tops from brand name designers for under $25 and the cutest shoes.

Kohls. I have found that they have a fabulous upsize department for women. As does Steinmart. I'm going to post some pics in the future of the great things I have found. Oh, and I can't forget ebay. What fun I have on there.

See you soon with a pic.