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Friday, January 12, 2018

Lie after lie

Someone says something. It sounds good. And it's just what you would like to see. And it's a reason to be happy. Or is it? Maybe it is just someone saying something to agree with you. Or it is something to get you off their back. Or it is something they believe at the time. But then, reality creeps in and you begin to understand that it is just words. There is no passion behind the words. They sound good so they are said but it is just words.

In the world I live in words can hurt. Maybe others are immune to words. Maybe others are better able to understand when they are just words and don't mean anything. And the words can make a moment better. Or not. How often have you made a promise to do something and when the time came to follow through it didn't seem like such a good idea? How often have you believed it when someone said or promised  something good and then didn't follow through? Or even worse, became angry when the promise was brought up?

I find myself listening to the political arena and hearing lie after lie after lie from those who are tasked with governing the country. I find myself looking at mags like the Enquirer and seeing lie after lie published as if they were the truth. I see on TV that lie after lie is more and more prevalent. Is there a time for change? A time to go back to the basic rightness of things? I despair.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Brain now working

It is hard to describe how depressing the current political scene is to me. I have decided to take a new tack on the subject. First, what can I do to make things better? One thing that comes to mind is to support those out there working for change from the current abuse of the media and the power of government.

Second, I can vote. But I will only vote for those who actually care about the so-called little guy. Like me and many seniors.

Third I can keep myself as healthy as possible in order to have the energy to cope with the depression caused by this White House.

Last, I can say my piece. And I have.

Also as an attempt to fight depression, I am beginning to make my surroundings more comfortable. For instance, I enjoy pretty lighting and I have some. But it is usually off because my sig other doesn't enjoy it like I do. But he's at work. So there. In the winter months I need it because of the gray weather that is often outside my windows.

I am declogging. There is too much stuff in my house. Way too much. Do you realize you have to dust and clean that stuff. So cleaning includes lots of donations to the dump and to thrift. And it includes having less stuff to clean.

I have decided that alcohol is a depressant and a glass of wine just clings to my butt so out it goes.

I am a procrastinator par excellence. Witness how long it has taken to blog. Anyway, today I am beginning a budget. That is if I can figure out how. My immediate goal is to pay off the terrible debt I have so sleep comes easier.

I am leaving home. Literally. I am a hermit. A stay at homer. And I am not doing myself any favors by not partaking of the wonderful things outside my walls. Since I am a loner and don't have a church(just not me) or senior center I attend(that's an option) just getting out will widen my intake of ideas and hopefully help me to grow and relax.

I am on Pinterest and I have learned so much. But I have so many things that I have saved and not read that I am instituting a "read one a day" rule on my computer use.

I hope to have more fabulous Ideas. Now that my brain is working(post Holiday sadness).

I love all of you who take the time to read my ramblings. Thanks.

Monday, December 11, 2017

My voice

My voice is calling me to action. HUH? I can't hear you! 

I have taken my time on this issue. At least 60 years. And I am now doing a few baby steps. Cleaning out my closet has helped me. The old "does it fit, does it go on?" is gone. I'm getting rid of things I thought I needed just because they would cover my body. And I haven't bought any new things in several months. My daughter (1 of 2) has pared down so much but I'm still in love with the thought of having a lot of choices when I get dressed, especially if there is a pile up of laundry. You see, I have lost almost 60 pounds and only have 50 to go. So what I'm keeping will need to be altered at some point. Thank goodness I can sew.

My voice is telling me to get up and do some stuff. Sadly my butt is saying "Not now" so I'm sitting at the computer looking to find some other people who have dis-ease in their bodies. After having had the flu for almost 3 weeks, my butt is speaking louder than the inner cleaner. And the longer I wait the more there is to do.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

It's got to stop now.

All of my life I have looked outside myself to get props, feedback, love, and kindness. But one thing I have learned is that I am still having to look. So I've decided to forgive myself for not living up to my inflated judgements and just be OK. I don't want to keep up with Kardashians, and I don't want to vote for morons who are in a certain party, and I don't want to eat certain things and abstain from others just because the latest guru says so. I don't want someone to try and guilt trip me into going to a certain church, or look down their nose at me when I'm wearing thrift or Old Navy. I don't want the only things available for me to do to be shop, go see the latest flick, eat at the latest restaurant, while wearing clothes that are ratty, too tight, heels too high, makeup that makes me look like a clown, etc.

No one is looking at me but me. I know because I have been staying at home a lot. But the biggest cruel comments are coming from inside my head. I will elaborate further soon. Right now I'm back to trying to get over this damned flu. Have a lovely Sunday.

Monday, November 13, 2017

In the eye of the beholder

I am a dog lover. I am an animal lover and I love good people too. I guess the only thing I don't love is me.

There are so many ways to learn self confidence. And there are tons of ways to lose it. Messages are everywhere. I have seen on TV that you must have a REVENGE body. But revenge against what or who? If you get your body in a shape that is pleasing to you, it's not revenge; it's a gift to yourself. If you want to look different or feel different there is no revenge to it. It is just a change. The biggest thing to think of is that you are satisfied with the change.

I am a mother. I modeled poor behavior for my children by the way I treated them and by how I treated me. After a long and mostly loveless marriage I broke. I literally looked for love in all the wrong places. My children loved me. I didn't see it. Why? because I didn't love me. I didn't even like me. Messages are interesting. Mom didn't let me wash dished because she was afraid I would break a dish. Message sent===you are incompetent. Husband wanted to spend all of his time away from work with his buddies. Message sent===you are boring. Children wanted to spend time away from home. Message sent===you aren't a good mother. You get the picture. I interpreted things in a negative way about me. And I was dead wrong. I could have thought of the time he was out with his friends as a great time for me to do something interesting. Nope!!! I saw it as a time for me to fret about my shortcomings.

I think I have learned to let go of the need for constant kudos. I think.

Soon!!!

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Peace

Tuesday I saw hope. I saw a possible improvement of the political landscape. I've been depressed for a year. but with luck things will get better.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Mindful?

I've drifted. And drifted. Because I have a decent amount of intelligence, I tried to do things in my life without planning. Without goals. And I drifted. If this rings a bell, I heartily suggest that anyone who wants a good quality of life tries not to drift. I don't remember ever feeling like I'm done, I'm satisfied, I'm comfortable. Instead I have always been scared. Scared of the things that might happen. Scared of the things that might not happen. And just plain scared.

I think if I had planned, paid attention, and not drifted, I wouldn't have as much to be scared of. I'd know that I had the right outfit for my child's play. I'd know I had paid the bills. I'd know how much money I had left. I'd know what's for supper tonight and maybe tomorrow night and how much I had paid for it. I'd have the dusting done, the floors clean, the laundry sorted and ready. Because I had been paying attention. There is a trend to mindfulness. Seriously, this should not be a trend. It should not be the latest thing. Mindfulness is simply paying attention. If you don't know how to balance a checkbook or account, instead of being overwhelmed by that, you ask for help. Then once you learn there is one less thing to worry about.

I have been collecting clothes that make me feel less overweight. But what is the problem? The weight. And when I sit down and think, really think, I am aware that I'm doing the wrong thing to solve the problem. I wasn't even admitting I had the problem. Denial.

I have collected items that are meant to make me more spiritual. It never occurred to me that I could become more spiritual without buying items. Including self help books.

So, to me, mindfulness isn't the trend. It's simply paying attention to what is important. And working on it.

Now I have some work to do.