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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Do you love yourself?

I've been fighting depression for a long time. I have finally found a medicine to help and a therapist to help and the reason to work. I haven't ever, in my 70+ years loved myself. I firmly believe that a person who takes good care of themselves has loved themselves. But not me. I haven't eaten right, haven't exercised, haven't done dental care, skin care, or even health care. So I'm lucky to still be alive and to be able to function. Lately, and hopefully not too late, I'm being much more careful with me. I see it as a step toward loving myself. It isn't just for me. I have grown kids, grandkids, a wonderful honey, and two precious furpersons. I also have a few friends to love and care about. I'm learning a lot from my kids about self-love. For instance, I now know it isn't something that is constant. Even those who have a totally healthy ego have bad times. I always thought of doing poorly as falling back into bad feelings. Time to totally change that thought. I was long ago diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. Part of that disorder is to often see a new problem as the end of my world and a total failure on my part. I have taught myself to step back and wait before the panic. And amazingly, things that I was afraid of often just don't happen . I watch my children deal with things that really disappoint them and when they ask for advice I tell them that things will get better. And they do get better. I need to heed my own advice.

Part of loving myself is not putting off things I need or want to do. I think procrastination is the opposite of self-love. It is guilt inducing. I have been the Queen of Procrastination for my whole life out of fear of failure. You see, when I fail, I die. At least that is how it sometimes feels. So I'm now making goals and plans so I can look back on the things I accomplished and feel proud. It's really a treat to mark off the things I have done. I am learning to love myself.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Mindfullness

I keep hearing about mindfullness or mindfulness or something. I don't know what it means but I do know what it means to me. It means focusing, not drifting. I have found that, unbeknownst to me, I have not focused for most of my life. There have been periods of focus but not enough. Like when I meet someone new, I forget their name right off the bat. Why? because I don't focus. I've decided to focus on this and see what I have been missing. I'll say more later.
 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Did you know?

It's not necessarily a good thing to have a good memory. Especially when memories aren't good ones.

Sometimes down feels like a small death. Sometimes it stays around for a long time. And when there isn't someone to talk to it feels like a larger death.

I don't think I can overcome things without a kick in the ass. Anyone know a good way to kick yourself in the ass?

Staying alone too much isn't good for you.

Buying things doesn't fix anything.

Closet cleaning is good for the soul. And Spring. And pets.

I'm now going to clean out a closet.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I give up

I have been buying the National Enquirer. I'll admit it. I don't particularly like the magazine but I love the puzzles. Now I have made a vow to never buy it again. There is an article that says Trump must win. I am so disgusted that I threw it away. Good riddance to bad bad bad rubbish.

Monday, November 30, 2015

whatever

Can we talk? Sometimes I look around at my life and I don't see much. I've been through my share of joy and heartbreak. Haven't we all? But the Holiday Season always makes me ponder where I am and where I'm going. So here it is. I am stuck. By my own behavior. I write in a journal and I found some pages from 2007. They are roughly comparable to those I write today. And I'm the first to acknowledge that I'm to blame for the lack of change. Lazy? Maybe! But I really don't want to own up to that. I am at least a champion procrastinator. And there are a couple of more things to figure out. I can't choose things like paint colors etc because I'm afraid to make a mistake. Like it would be life threatening to choose a paint color that doesn't work. And I want to get back to some of the creative things I used to do. What to do first? Damned if I know. That requires a choice. And then there is the difficulty of focus on a task. I don't do it well. I lose interest easily and often leave things half done. That of course stares back at me demanding that I do something but it is so easy to procrastinate. I've read that making lists helps. But one can procrastinate that too. So while I whirl around trying to light on something, I'm just going to try and enjoy the lights, music, and feeling of the season and forgive myself for being uh ..........whatever.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Post Post

I wanted to be a hippie. Never had the nerve. I wanted to be a dog person. I pulled that one off. Above you see Cheyenne. She was the size of her head when she came to us and now she's a big girl. Please pardon the red eye. Anyway, I had a Thanksgiving time to remember the past. As always I remember the times when the family was together and we had the big dinner, etc. Now I'm in another life. But I am thankful. I am still a peace freak. I still believe love and peace are the most important things ever. And I still love to be around my dogs. They are ever a joy. After a quiet Thanksgiving I find myself very grateful.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Sometimes

It's hard to know when I'm making a mistake. I see things one way and I'm happy with my perception. But he sees them another. I remember growing up that I never knew what would make my mother angry. It just seemed to come out of the blue. And my sense of unfairness at the situation always made my angry and hurt. After all, how does one know when they are making an error in judgement if not told that the behavior is not good. I used to come home from school every day with a feeling of dread because I never knew what to expect when I got home. Lately it's been happening again. Or at least it feels the same.

Have I changed or has he? Or is this just a fluke? I am often second guessing myself because of the increase in age. Do I still have any judgement? Is my brain working? Am I just prone to make mistakes in thinking? When you grow up with a situation like mine it's hard not to second guess every move, thought, or belief. One thing I am sure of, if there is a period of general calm and good feelings, it will end. With a bang, often. And not to sound paranoid, I think I'm just not meant to have peace. I don't think I actively seek out drama. But the choices I've made seem to lead me there. I have needed to put thought into the outcomes of my actions and even then I make wrong decisions.

What you are hearing from me now is a really bad case of depression. I'm scared of what the future might hold if some things don't get resolved. I was told many years ago by my therapist that I have abandonment depression. And that means an irrational fear of being left alone. Of a lack of acceptance, and of not being good enough. I've worked really hard over the last 25 years since the divorce and I thought I had a handle on the crappy self esteem. But then here it is. I can't call it the black dog because I have a black dog. It is, for me, more of a black fog. Dense, with no light shining through. And above all else, it is painful. It really hurts, physically. I want to shrink, to hide, and to never again see the light of day. I'm so tired.