Changes

I'm certain that I'm the same person I was a couple of months ago. But then again, maybe not. I know I look better in my clothes. I know I feel better and more able to do things. And I know that I'm not so willing to put up with bullshit anymore. Things that made me feel bad about me are starting to make me angry. Things that I took on as my fault are no longer my fault. I saw that the reason for my unhappiness was my weight and feeling ugly. OK. I still have a lot to lose and I'm very anxious about that but guess what---- I am getting more able to look at the things that hurt me as being the things I can give less importance to. This is an unexpected result of the surgery.

I looked back on the last 25 years in photos. I've been fat for many years. I've fooled myself into thinking that I was smaller than I really was. I'm not proud of that. It's a reality. So even the clothes I had grown out of are going to be too big. I'm aware that I wouldn't allow pictures to be taken of me. I felt like a big clown. My sig other seems to think that everything bad that happened yesterday and before is to be forgotten and never looked at again. Of course that includes whatever I'm mad about at the time. But I'm not good at letting go of hurts. I try not to dwell on them but they are there in my memory banks and they come up. My years of not being comfortable with my body are there and can't be ignored no matter what. If I forget them, I'm afraid I'll not be able to follow through on the plan for the next years.

I'm dealing, and not very well, with habit, boredom, and head hunger. I'm going to need to go to a therapist if I can't get a handle on the problem. I'm also dealing with a lot of change. Confusion about me and where I am in life and what I should be doing. Fear of failing at the weight loss. Again. Problems with staying focused. I'm easily distracted so focus is a real and present problem.

I'm planning a trip to see my children in Jacksonville. I haven't seen them in a very very long time. I'm jealous of my ex and his ability to travel to see them whenever he wants. I would love to have the money to do that. But I don't. There are other reasons that travel is a problem for me and I'm just going to have to do what I can to fix that. I need to be with them right now but I can't go just yet.

Been cleaning out the junk and even the good stuff in the house. I have 3 bedrooms upstairs that are unused. They were full of junk. And things I thought I would sell. I haven't sold them in the 4 years I've been thinking about it so they went/are going to charity. I really believe that getting rid of some of the stuff I've been hoarding will help me clear my mind. And take a weight off my shoulders. And help me to continue to lose pounds. Damn but it's hard work filling those black garbage bags and carrying them down the stairs to go to the dump or to charity. I thought I'd be happier about it. But I'm also realizing how much money I spent trying to make myself feel better about myself.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and feelings. As is obvious. I'm glad I can use this blog to vent and I hope anyone reading doesn't get too turned off.