The habits of a lifetime

I have been trying to deal with the changes that have occurred since the surgery and failing. I'll have to say that sometimes I get the giggles when I try on clothes that used to fit and now hang on me. But I am not doing well on changing habits. Some of them are like addictions I suppose. I have rarely used a recipe as is for cooking. I have never been a meal planner.(just imagine the money I'd still have if I were). Exercise makes me sweat. Sweating makes me angry. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and that includes to make a list.(many times I have made a grocery list and forgotten to take it) I have never been able to keep my emotions on an even keel from one day to the next. I have never been successful on a diet( I wonder why!) I am easily distracted.

One thing I have not been able to distract myself from is a feeling of not good enough. Unworthiness. Being unlovable. I get up in the morning with the wonderful feeling that I can do things. Then by noon, that feeling is gone and I'm trying to work through the feelings that lead to self-sabotage. Thoughts like, I can eat that. What does it matter? Well, it matters. I just think I should put up signs all over the house that tell me to remember what I'm trying to do here. Big signs. And I need to find my true strength.

When I was a child, I lived in fear of disappointing my mother. It got pretty ugly when that happened. I finally went with the "I can't fail if I don't try" thought. And it's been with me ever since. Then in marriage I feared disappointing my husband, and losing the marriage. Again, failure was easy in that relationship where most, if not all, that I did was unacceptable. Passive aggression and not trying stuck with me all 25 years of that relationship. Till the ultimate failure- divorce. I simply wasn't good enough. And I think I've been trying to prove him and my mother right ever since. By internal put-downs. By refusing to take care of myself because I don't deserve it. So I had surgery to help me along. And now I need to follow through. For the first time in my life, I need to do it for me. I can't quit now. So I'll keep trying to change the habits of a lifetime.