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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I have to love her

This is not my dog. This is a beautiful dog with just the attitude I want.

Again there is no new pic

I went to the dentist a week and a half ago and had a root canal. And I'm getting a new crown. Unfortunately, since I'm not as young anymore, it's taking things longer to settle down. I have been swollen on one side of my upper lip and it still hasn't completely gone down. It makes my whole face seem off and since I still have a modicum of vanity, no pics. Actually no make-up.

I began to worry when I got out my winter clothes and began to try things on. I don't make many changes in the winter since a lot of my wardrobe is of the year-round variety. But some of the things that fit last year don't fit so well now. Yep, too much sweets and fats. So I called my wonderful daughter the chef who has lost over 60 pounds and asked for some coaching. She did the loss with a major cut back on the fats and a lot more fresh veggies and fruits. She lives in Florida. Sorry but the veggies and fruits aren't quite so fresh here. Anyway over the last couple of weeks I have made an admitted half hearted effort to cut down on sweets and fats. Yeah. Half-hearted. It seems I don't include candy, sugar cookies, toast with butter, etc in that group. So, I began to wonder. How serious am I about dropping pounds? I have talked to myself every which way and I'm no closer to the answer. I can ask myself if I don't care how I look. Well I thought I did. Do I not care how I feel? Well I thought I did. Don't I care about the quality of my life? Well I thought I did. So why am I having so hard a time making a commitment to the improvement of my life. I have to admit that my knees and back hurt a lot more now. I have to admit that I am more tired now. I have to admit that my interest in crafts and decorating have deteriorated with the energy level. I don't sleep as well(hardly at all). I have a lot of trouble doing chores. I can't shop(did you hear that?).

So I am on the horns of a dilemma. I'm slap dab into the story of my life. Procrastination. Running from the difficult. Feeding fear and depression with food. And having a hard time making up my mind to do even one day of the change I need to make. I cleaned out my fridge, freezers, and pantry. But the candy is still here. And the cookies. And because I live with someone some things must stay. What needs to go is my attitude. I am still behaving like a child. I don't plan meals. I don't plan snacks. And I don't shop well at the grocery store.

Because I have been made much more aware of the way I look by posting on the blog, I'm hoping to gain insight into my behavior by discussing it with anyone who would like to chime in. I've been into using bandaids to cover my dissatisfaction. For instance, I've now changed my hair color about 10 times in the last few years. I have had it several different styles. And amazingly enough I still look fat and feel bad. I have bought some clothes to wear, thinking that they might make me look pretty. But I find it doesn't make any difference if I can't be satisfied and OK with what is inside the clothes.

I have been reading some fashion blogs by some of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. And no, I don't compare myself to them. I do, however, wish for some of the comfort those girls have within themselves. And of course I consider them total eye candy. I've been checking out crafting blogs, thrift blogs, and sewing blogs. Over the course of my life I have crafted, thrifted, sewed, painted, cooked well, and enjoyed doing them all. But I am feeling the throes of depression hitting. I have allowed this to happen to myself. I had a period of time when I battled depression with the most outlandish behavior a wife and mother could think of. I have taken anti-depressants for years. I went to therapy for almost 4 years. I swore to myself I would never let the feelings of failure and worthlessness sneak up on me again. I swore. And I lied to myself. I am taking yet another drug and this time it isn't the normal antidepressant. It doesn't seem to work either. But is it me? I don't seem to be helping myself. At all. I know that there are certain things I can do to help myself. I am too old to waste any more time. I'm going to go throw the candy away now. Then I'll plan what to do next.

Monday, October 10, 2011

All mixed up

There was an Elvis Presley song called "All Shook Up" and I borrowed the idea. Now is the time that causes women and men no end of confusion on what to wear. Late Summer and early Fall are hard on everyone around the East Tennessee area. Because---wait for it---there is no way to tell what to wear. The weather forcasters say it will be 55 in the early morning, 67 by 11 am, and 78 to 80 by late afternoon. OK, then. Brian leaves for work at 4:30 with a t shirt and a flannel shirt. And he is freezing and I'm glad I don't have to hear him complain. When he gets home he has been sweating and he comes into the fairly cool house and shivers. It's no wonder that the drug stores are almost sold out of cold meds. And I am here at home-retired-and able to dress differently from hour to hour if I wish. I am truly grateful for that.

The outfit I'm wearing goes with the bracelets pictured below. I suppose I am pretty simple in my clothing choices. I like things that don't show my big belly, flat butt, big hips, etc. I want things that stretch(no, not stretch denim. Not enough stretch). I want things I can wear all day and they don't look like they have been slept in by noon. No linen. I want colors that make me smile(most colors do). I want things that fit and fit my life style and looks. That's not asking much. There are so many different styles and designs out there I can pretty much have anything I want. So now I have, in wanting all of that stuff, filled my closet. It is admittedly not so big. but I've also filled two other closets, several boxes under my King bed, and a couple of boxes and bags full of stuff to donate or sell. I have two large stand up jewelry boxes full and several hanging sort bags also with jewelry in almost all of the pockets. I have probably 60 pairs of shoes, most of which I don't like. I have about 40 bags, and I have realized that many of them I don't like. In other words, I think a major purge is a must. And I am too frugal(read hoarder) to just donate so I'm going to list 4 things on ebay this week. I have been putting it off, fearing that no one would buy things I'm selling. But nothing ventured and nothing gained. I've learned that from my friend Jen's blog where quotes are offered. I need to be reminded constantly that I am capable to counteract some messages I can't seem to dump. Jen is at Her offerings often make me think and examine ways my life can improve.
The rings above are a couple of my favorites. I wear fairly large jewelry. The small stuff just disappears on me. Anyway. I had bought a couple of tops at Stein Mart on sale. The one below is a one piece. I love the look of the half shirt that is attached to the jacket. I don't love the fact that they don't come apart. So I am going to take them apart and make a back for the white part. Then I'll have a lacy tank and a blue jacket. I love the idea of refashioning things and I'm anxious to get started. Just have to get over that fear of messing up.

 Klimpt. I love his work. I haven't spoken of it here on the blog. The Kiss is one of my favorite pieces ever. This piece is one which could be examined for hours and there would still be something new to see. And gold is one of my very favorite colors. The metallic sort.  Ariel at has opened my eyes to seeing the art in clothing and I fully intend to pursue that interest. The more I am able to see artful things, the happier I am. There is something about getting other views and other colors, about seeing the world through other eyes, that makes my heart full.
I have gotten some more followers on each of the blogs I write. I am so grateful to those who show an interest in what I am interested in. Thanks

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I don't have it.

I don't have an Apple computer. I have never had one. I don't have an IPhone or any of the other Apple products. But Steve Jobs is the reason I am sitting here writing on my personal computer. I honor him and his brilliance.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Goodbye summer

I am so happy to see Autumn entering East Tennessee. I'm still loving some of the Summer colors and I decided to wear this one in honor of Summer's last fling. I'm always somewhat energized by the arrival of the cooler weather. And I always associate the Fall with lots of fun things from my past. Like: 1. When my X and I were dating we often went on road trips. Our sort of road trips consisted of trips through the beautiful countryside and up into the mountains. Either alone or with 1 or 2 other couples. We were in college but if everyone pooled their money we could get a lot of gas. Anyway, the Cherokee National Forest is one of the most beautiful places in the USA. And it has always been a bit off the beaten path. So we would go up, smell the campfires, wade in the icy water, pick up beautiful color leaves, laugh and have a wonderful time. Fall. 2. I loved school and Autumn always meant back to school. While some seem to think of it as new wardrobe time, I never did and I always loved the smells. The smell of new pencils and large lined paper. I imagine that some of that has gone away with the computer age. And I loved seeing the people I'd not seen over the summer. Playground games. Shooting buttered straw papers in the lunch room. That nasty bus. I loved it all. 3. It's Football Time In Tennessee. I was always in the band as I got older. Yep. One of those nerds. But I loved the bus trips, and going to all the games. Of course I wanted to be a cheerleader. But never was. There is a smell to football games. Popcorn, hot dogs, and dust. We had a track around the football field and there were a lot of kids walking the track to see and be seen. 4. In the Fall when the leaves changed I always felt the most creative. So as an adult, I would start making things for Christmas. And I have noticed that most of the paintings I have done were of Autumn scenes. Tells me something.

Fall also ushers in some other things. My marriage began at the end of August and ended at the end of August. My wonderful son was born in October as was my Mom. My Dad died the day before their birthdays, on one of the most beautiful days of the year. Autumn leaves were perfect that year. It didn't seem right. My Mom died at the end of November. But in spite of or because of these things I have love Autumn since I can remember. It is sometimes a mixed bag of emotional stuff. Sometimes it makes me cry. This year my Dad has been gone 34 years and Mom 22. Sometimes I cry. But mostly I smile. I sort of think of Fall and Winter as the Earth taking a rest for the next growing year. And I think that is a hopeful sign.

There are a few other things about Fall I'd like to mention. There is new TV. There is the biggest fashion publishing blitz of the year. There are new things to do, even as a family. The corn maze. The sports. Halloween. Eating lots and lots during the holidays. And remembering loved ones.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I watch too much TV

No pic today. I just have a few things I notice myself doing now that I never did before.

I turn the sound off or I change the channel if: 1.  People start singing about structured settlements in an operatic fashion.  2.  Mayhem occurs.(Insurance commercial)  3. A well dressed woman stands up at a wedding and starts talking about regularity. 4. Cute little Jennifer Hudson starts singing.(Weight loss commercial)  5.  A duck talks or dances or a gekko mentions food. These things irritate me big time.

I also find it difficult to watch Hollywood news on TV or read about it in magazines. I value the truth and I sometimes don't think the authors wouldn't recognize the truth if it kicked them in their collective behinds. Things like "secrets of..." , and "exclusive" are put there to make us think we are in on something. We are I guess, along with a few million others.

Lastly, there is programming. There used to be a Fall/Winter season. Now there is a short summer season. The Fall is still packed with new programming but it is all on at the same times and after Feb there is a vast wasteland till the Summer season which starts in May or June or July or August or whenever. I used to love many of the shows on but many of the series are ten years old or older and are straining to keep current. By the way, I have noticed that many of the new crime shows headline women instead of the old standby male cop. Interesting. Now to my peeve. I pay for many many many channels. And yet in the morning when I want to sit and drink my  coffee, and watch TV,  a lot of the channels have only telemarketing. I have noticed that as many as half of the channels are showing the TV ads most of the day. I resent paying for them. I won't watch them.

I guess I am back to reading books.