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Thursday, April 30, 2015


I've been unable to write much because of another struggle to overcome depression. And I don't want to write a depressing post. But I'm going to be truthful. I take meds for depression. And I eat for depression. And I sit for depression. And after the surgery and the subsequent weight loss I'm stuck, partly because of depression. It' an insidious enemy that drains energy and sometimes makes me quite the bitch. It makes me easy to upset, to anger, and to put my problems onto others when they are distinctly mine. But, and this is a big one, I've discovered another problem that can be fixed. I've been taking a fair amount of over the counter sleep agents. And I do sleep at night. But.... When I wake up I drag my tired rear downstairs and pop a Monster energy drink to wake up. Amazingly enough I then drink a cup of coffee and go back upstairs for a nap. So I think the things I'm putting into my body are part of the depressed/tired state I find myself in. So I'm going to give it a shot to wean from using sleep aids and Monster. I'm hoping the next few days will go by quickly so I can get used to natural rhythms of sleeping and rising.

One other thing I've been learning about and I'm working on is how to best handle stress. I'm not sure I know what it's like not to be stressed. I think I'm prone to guilt about just about everything I don't do perfectly(which is just about everything) and that adds to my stress. Since I discovered blogging and the posts of others I've been prone to compare myself to them. And failing to live up to their beauty/organization/creativity. But that is something I've been doing all my life. It's a behavior that was begun in my childhood and continued in my marriage, encouraged by my mother and my spouse. I was divorced 26 years ago. My mother died 27 years ago. I don't know why I'm still doing this. I'm definitely not awful in looks, housekeeping, creating. So I need to stop putting myself down. I just wish I knew how. I even berate myself for caring too much about myself and my feelings(selfish). So this is why I've been hiding from the world. I  had hoped to be able to relax in my old age. Still hoping.