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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm there too

It just comes to you

 She is beautiful. She is probably my age and she is beautiful. Just look at that smile. And looking at her I feel she is comfortable with who she is. And isn't that what we all want? I know I do. I've spent the majority of my 68 years feeling at odds with what I'm doing, who I am, how I think others see me, and what is real. Many of us are raised with unconditional acceptance from those around us. Others of us aren't. I don't mean to say that acceptance and approval are the same thing. I don't think there is a human alive who has had constant unconditional approval. If there is, they are probably ego driven and not very nice. But acceptance encompasses all of the aspects of a person and is there no matter what. For instance, I accept that my partner has some behaviors that I'd like to kill him for. But I don't because I accept him as he is even though sometimes I try to change some of his behaviors.

I grew up knowing that my acceptance was conditional
on the sort of mood my mom was in  and on the history of her
acceptance from others. You see, this can be handed down like an ugly piece of Christmas china. Acceptance is part trust. It's necessary to trust that the person is doing as much as they can and if they miss the mark, they are still a good and worthwhile person. My mom had days when the hardest trying didn't work to satisfy her. Nothing would satisfy her. It made her and me very unhappy. She didn't know any better and at the time neither did I. Then I married and went to another home in which acceptance was quite rare. There were moments of happiness(when the kids were born) but the majority of the time in the marriage was agony over not being able to please my mate. I had expected to have a partner and friend but instead I had a father and boss. It was a disappointment for both of us.

 I continue to have major trust issues but I have a friend. Actually 2. My ex's sister and I have become friends. And her husband. I love that photo of two ladies being friends. It's beautiful. That is the sort of joy I feel when she and I are able to be together. It didn't happen during the marriage. It's happening now.

I don't want to imply that nothing good happened during the marriage. The baby blue Volks convertible reminds me of some super times. I had one and I loved it. I also remember lovely things about living in Florida, living at the lake in Tennessee, and living in a terrific neighborhood in Knoxville. But there are few memories of the friendship I had hoped for. I thought that marriage meant that someone would always love me and would always be on my side. And by the time the kids came, I didn't feel I would ever have that. Have you ever had a time when you questioned your worth to the extent that you wonder why you were born? It isn't a good feeling.
Well, It came to me. I had based my feelings on incorrect assumptions. I had spent most of my life trying for unconditional acceptance by trying to change myself. I was wrong.

So I'm finally trying to listen to the things I want but had put away. I think it is a good thing old dogs can learn new tricks, because this one just came to me.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Even the good stuff

 Sometimes you see something you want or that you want to do and there is no money or there isn't enough energy, time, etc. I've been putting off doing a lot of stuff in the house because of all of those reasons. And I mean that there isn't a single room in the house that I can point at and say it's done. Painting, flooring, and decorative stuff have been on my mind. Big time.

I have found a bit of a way to finance some of the things that need doing. And I'm in the midst of getting the things, including financial, going forward. So there is stress. I'm not completely sure of the financial stuff. And until I am, there is going to be stress. Dammit, I hate stress. But I had just given up on doing things to make the problems go away. It's like trying to eat the elephant in one bite. No way. So I've gone from overwhelmed and stressed to overwhelmed and stressed. Even the good stuff can cause stress.

I've looked at pinterest and home decorating web sites and I've
found some things I love and will definitely try. For instance,
the bathroom floor that looks like wood is really tile. I think that rocks. And I've put down tile before. I can actually do that. Yes.

I want a house that has a boho vibe in conjunction with Asian, Zen, and Feng Shui. I want a home that is relaxing for me and my honey. And a home that expresses my appreciation for art and other cultures. I need color, softness, and simplicity. The older I get, the less stuff I want to have around me. Part of that is the need to clean stuff that just sits around. Part is the wish that after I'm gone, no one has to deal with a lot of junk. I have a thing for lanterns, candles, and lighting. I thing that's enough to deal with.

Moroccan lantern. I have them. I love them. Light and color. Yes!

I have to be careful not to throw too much color into any situation. I like the colors in the first office pic. I like the colors in the lantern. I search for a happy medium. And I stress.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Those days just happen sometimes.

I'm working on just laying back and accepting the world as it is today. Stopping to smell the roses and to be grateful that they exist.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


 I'm into the Summer doldrums. I hate hot weather. There are perspiration, humidity, an insanely hot car when I go anywhere, the fat I carry around, and allergies to something(I don't know what). I stay tired and depressed during much of the months of July and August. I hate heat. I wouldn't do well in Alabama, Louisiana, etc. I lived in Florida for six years. It's unbelievable what heat can do when paired with humidity.

I've long believed that the problem with myself and many other women I know is that we can't adjourn the committee meeting going on in our heads. Lately, a life-altering decision about my future has had me guessing and second guessing myself. Over and Over again. Instead of resting at night, and instead of concentrating on the task at hand during the day.
You see, I've found that my Social Security isn't enough and when put with any other income I can scrounge, I still need more. I think I'm in good company. So my mind is working on ways to increase the income. Robbing banks is out because I can't run anymore. And they would probably catch me. But selling my body on the street corner won't work either. Damn.

Summer is also a time for swollen feet and fingers, and for more trouble than usual trying to control my weight. Since becoming diabetic, it's harder than ever to keep the diet going. Some
people love the fresh veggies and fruits that summer brings. And while I like them, my aging stomach isn't reacting well. I suppose if it's not one thing it's another.

I have bitched enough. I'm sure there are those out there who are right with me in these problems. The fashion thing is not working too well for me now. I feel heavier than ever and I'm reluctant to face photos of me in this state. All of the money in the world won't change that even though it might help. But face it, I have a closet full to overflowing with clothes which are now tight on me and a reluctance to wear anything but the few things that I'm sure will fit. I'm going to take some pics soon. I promise. But anyone who giggles will be forever banned.

Monday, July 1, 2013

A partnership

 In April of next year I will have lived with this guy for 25 years. I am nostalgic. I have found a partner. I never thought it would happen and I admit he has grown into it. He thanks me for anything I do for him. For any meal I fix for him. For going shopping with him. For cleaning the house.

He reminds me when I need to go to the Doctor. Or if I need to pay a bill. Or if the dog needs to be groomed. However he never and I mean never fusses if I do something for myself.
He is unfailingly kind to others, funny, and endlessly entertaining, and loving. And I think he's cute. And now I am reminding myself to be grateful for the horrendous circumstances that brought him to me. Without those awful times we would not be happy now.
This is my Shadow and Brian fishing at the lake. My two best friends.
This is Brian holding my first grandchild. He was scared to death but luckily my grandchild wasn't.

When I'm sad I try to remember to be grateful for a true partnership.