Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I grew up knowing that my acceptance was conditional
on the sort of mood my mom was in and on the history of her
acceptance from others. You see, this can be handed down like an ugly piece of Christmas china. Acceptance is part trust. It's necessary to trust that the person is doing as much as they can and if they miss the mark, they are still a good and worthwhile person. My mom had days when the hardest trying didn't work to satisfy her. Nothing would satisfy her. It made her and me very unhappy. She didn't know any better and at the time neither did I. Then I married and went to another home in which acceptance was quite rare. There were moments of happiness(when the kids were born) but the majority of the time in the marriage was agony over not being able to please my mate. I had expected to have a partner and friend but instead I had a father and boss. It was a disappointment for both of us.
I don't want to imply that nothing good happened during the marriage. The baby blue Volks convertible reminds me of some super times. I had one and I loved it. I also remember lovely things about living in Florida, living at the lake in Tennessee, and living in a terrific neighborhood in Knoxville. But there are few memories of the friendship I had hoped for. I thought that marriage meant that someone would always love me and would always be on my side. And by the time the kids came, I didn't feel I would ever have that. Have you ever had a time when you questioned your worth to the extent that you wonder why you were born? It isn't a good feeling.
So I'm finally trying to listen to the things I want but had put away. I think it is a good thing old dogs can learn new tricks, because this one just came to me.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
I have found a bit of a way to finance some of the things that need doing. And I'm in the midst of getting the things, including financial, going forward. So there is stress. I'm not completely sure of the financial stuff. And until I am, there is going to be stress. Dammit, I hate stress. But I had just given up on doing things to make the problems go away. It's like trying to eat the elephant in one bite. No way. So I've gone from overwhelmed and stressed to overwhelmed and stressed. Even the good stuff can cause stress.
I've looked at pinterest and home decorating web sites and I've
found some things I love and will definitely try. For instance,
the bathroom floor that looks like wood is really tile. I think that rocks. And I've put down tile before. I can actually do that. Yes.
I want a house that has a boho vibe in conjunction with Asian, Zen, and Feng Shui. I want a home that is relaxing for me and my honey. And a home that expresses my appreciation for art and other cultures. I need color, softness, and simplicity. The older I get, the less stuff I want to have around me. Part of that is the need to clean stuff that just sits around. Part is the wish that after I'm gone, no one has to deal with a lot of junk. I have a thing for lanterns, candles, and lighting. I thing that's enough to deal with.
I have to be careful not to throw too much color into any situation. I like the colors in the first office pic. I like the colors in the lantern. I search for a happy medium. And I stress.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
I've long believed that the problem with myself and many other women I know is that we can't adjourn the committee meeting going on in our heads. Lately, a life-altering decision about my future has had me guessing and second guessing myself. Over and Over again. Instead of resting at night, and instead of concentrating on the task at hand during the day.
Summer is also a time for swollen feet and fingers, and for more trouble than usual trying to control my weight. Since becoming diabetic, it's harder than ever to keep the diet going. Some
I have bitched enough. I'm sure there are those out there who are right with me in these problems. The fashion thing is not working too well for me now. I feel heavier than ever and I'm reluctant to face photos of me in this state. All of the money in the world won't change that even though it might help. But face it, I have a closet full to overflowing with clothes which are now tight on me and a reluctance to wear anything but the few things that I'm sure will fit. I'm going to take some pics soon. I promise. But anyone who giggles will be forever banned.
Monday, July 1, 2013
He reminds me when I need to go to the Doctor. Or if I need to pay a bill. Or if the dog needs to be groomed. However he never and I mean never fusses if I do something for myself.
He is unfailingly kind to others, funny, and endlessly entertaining, and loving. And I think he's cute. And now I am reminding myself to be grateful for the horrendous circumstances that brought him to me. Without those awful times we would not be happy now.
When I'm sad I try to remember to be grateful for a true partnership.