Thoughts, Pics, and other things

 I purchased the top seen here from HSN on sale. I got it at the end of the season and it has white beads on it. I'm sure it was meant for summer and got it with the thought of keeping it till next year. When purchasing things from the internet, I take a chance on not getting things that totally fulfill my needs. However, this time it worked out for the best. The top is heavier than I would wear in the summer and it feels great in cool weather. In the black/white combo it works for me for winter.

And the Avon ring goes very well with it.

 I've worn this top before and remain in love with the colors but the jewelry is my add to this outfit.

These earrings are actually Avon also. They are sort of art deco and I fell in love with them. I'm fortunate to be able to get Avon for a good price. But even so, the Avon things I have are notoriously well made and last forever.

Enough about that. I am one of the 99 %. I am retired and trying to make it on not a lot of money. I have a significant other who actually pays the majority of the bills around here but I would love to feel more secure. He has been laid off for lack of business from his company more than once. It's scary. I have been looking for ways to cut back on my expenses. So I first checked on my Medicare insurance supplements. I have switched to another company and to a different sort of policy. I am saving a fairly large amount of money beginning the first of next year. So I got really proud of myself and began to check on Auto insurance. There are so many ads on TV claiming huge savings and I thought I ought to check it out. Turns out I can save over $22 a month starting Dec 5. So I went with it because when I get my income up a bit I can get a really good policy on my home too. I've been worrying about property taxes and had to come up with some back payments since the house is not financed. I can do the monthly stuff most of the time but the big intermittent stuff floors me.

One of the problems with the above is the fact that I got messages from the time I was a child that I couldn't handle money. And for the most part they were right. After the divorce and loss of my mother, the messages went away. But I had no messages to put in their place. I think there are all sorts of negative messages given to us all the time. I plan to address this problem as if affects my life in this blog.

First. Because of the messages that I couldn't handle money, I haven't even tried. I was totally pleased with the fact that I could have my bills automatically deducted from checking. That meant I wouldn't be late. Good move. It also meant I could avoid facing facts about how much money was going out and where it went. Just take it out. I don't know and what I don't know won't hurt me. Really? That is how I thought. Messages cause a lot of grief.

Not to be left out, I always wanted to be pretty. I thought that because I saw that the only really well known women of my day were movie stars and they were really pretty. I am so glad that I didn't have to read the messages that are out there now. For instance, Who wore it better?. Who cares? If a celeb wore the dress and felt she looked nice shouldn't that be enough? How about the wedding things on TV? Who spent more? I saw where KK said her wedding would be bigger and better than the royal wedding was. Why? Why does the wedding have to be compared to another wedding? Why does how much is spent have to matter so much? Why, in this world of starving people does spending millions on a wedding have so much appeal?

I am seeing parents constantly telling their children that they are the best. That isn't possible. It just isn't. Real people may be simply wonderful at something but there is rarely a person who is really good at something that doesn't eventually find someone better at it. Why must we live in a society where we teach our children that if they are good at something they are really better people than others are? This can cause a child to either give up if they are not the best or to really believe they are better than other people and in turn give negative messages to others. I am talking about this because of one phrase I got from my Mom in the fifth grade when I brought home all A's except for one A-. She said, "Why wasn't that one an A too? Are you stupid?" I am 66. I remember that message as if it were yesterday. So I shall begin to harp occasionally on the messages we give our children and others around us. I am a firm believer in enhancing a child's belief in himself but with some realism thrown in. I certainly could have used a dose of it.

Lastly, I have to say that I am a quitter. Because of some of the negative messages I have received, I am not willing to try difficult things. Such as the money management. I turned some of that over to others who are knowledgeable about money. That was a good decision on my part. But I didn't see it as handling money wisely. I am now reassessing that thought and I think that was how any reasonable but not knowledgeable person would do it. If I need help with something I go to someone who is good at what I need help with. And I am a quitter because some things just look overwhelming. If cleanout of my home is such a big job, I don't even know where to start. I need to paint, clean carpets. I need to get rid of rooms full of things I don't need. Huge job. HUGE. So I've decided that as a Christmas gift to myself and my honey, I am going to spend 30 to 45 minutes a day cleaning something. Anything. Every day till Christmas.              Can't hurt.

I've had an upgrade

 When I was growing up Christmas was the most most most magical thing ever. As I have gotten significantly older, I lost that thing that spoke to me of magic. As things have happened to me, to my children and grandchildren, to my friends, and to my extended family, I have seriously misplaced the magical nature of Christmas. I am definitely not referring to religious mysteries but to the vision I had inside my head of what Christmas was supposed to look like.

I thought of Christmas as looking like the town scene above and the tree and other decorations below. I thought of Christmas as being something that I have never actually seen. I haven't been to a town like the one above, and it rarely snows where I live. When I spent several years in Florida I really didn't do well at creating the Christmas feeling. At least, I thought, it should be cold. When my children were home, there was decorating and good meals and buying gifts and wrapping and surprises. Since my kids are gone and so is my cash, there is little in the way of decorating. We still eat well, the two of us, and I send gifts. But no magic.

I know that many of you will say that magic is not what Christmas is all about. And I agree. It's just that magic was a part of Christmas I always enjoyed. And when I got older, I enjoyed making magic. But if I made it, it was not magical. Stinking thinking that.

I recently joined Pinterest and I have seen lots of things to make and to do for Christmas and other holidays. I don't choose to decorate in a major way but I do want to add that dimension into my life again. I gave my Christmas tree stuff to my daughter. I look around my overstuffed house and there are some things still here that I may use to decorate but I think the magic may be in making things this year. I have always looked at things I made with special fondness. Maybe they're magic.

 There are a lot of problems with expectations. Expectations can totally ruin the joy of the moment in almost any situation. I viewed Christmas in terms of greeting card pictures including tall, beautiful people with lovely children gathered around a tree or a piano. I saw Christmas parties where loving families and friends gathered to toast each other or marshmallows and dress up and look beautiful. I saw commercials on TV showing kids playing with toys, dressed in red velvet, eyes shining with joy. I saw me with my grandchildren around, jumping in my lap when I sat down and giving me hugs.

I am looking forward to the holidays this year. In my immediate family(kids, etc) things are on an upswing. I have totally given up the need for perfection in Christmas, in me, in my family, in my sig other, and in my pets. I'm frustrated by the dogs tracking mud in when it rains. Whooptydoo. I can live with it and I'd rather have the dogs than not have them. I'm frustrated when I want to go out and buy huge amounts of lovely things for my grandkids and I can't because there isn't enough cash. But I can love them to distraction and try to get them things they will enjoy. I feel frustrated that my TV hasn't lasted longer than 10 years and already needs to be replaced. Is there a day that goes by that something can't frustrate all of us? But if my magic is falling prey to these things, it isn't real magic is it?

I purchased the Harry Potter final film. I read the whole series and saw all of the movies. I have been watching animated films. I've loved the stories of Middle Earth. I have traveled to the Dune of outer space. I have enjoyed Tim Burton's Nightmare movie. The thing that this is teaching me is that while I live in the real world, I need an imaginary one too. Faith is one thing but for me it doesn't give my mind the vacation it needs. I can actually look at laundry better if I have seen a fantasy movie or read a similar book. Then my reality of mud on the floor isn't the only thing in my mind. Cooking dinner isn't so much a chore as it is just something to do. I am somewhat at peace with the idea that this is my reality. I need magic as a part of it and I must find and make that magic myself. I actually am thanking pinterest for that.

I am going to discuss it

I am going to tell you a couple of things I've found that make my life a pain in the neck. I'm not mad all of the time and for the most part I deal on a daily basis. I've made some major mistakes in my history. I deal on a daily basis. I don't spend a lot of time living in the past. But here is where it gets dicey. There seems to be a new trend on the social media to use a lot of sayings to help get thoughts out that are not well said in the mind. Such as the one above. But I find I often don't have a lot of control of those thoughts. When I was growing up and since hitting maturity I have felt that I am different in my way of thinking. For instance, I have no idea what to think of pictures of families sitting around the dinner table on holidays. I was an only and evidently the extended group(aunts, uncles, etc) weren't in the picture because we didn't celebrate holidays with them.

 I am also at a complete loss to understand why I can't just forgive myself and move on from some of my giant mistakes. I am human. I had some needs that were not being met, were being ignored, were being stomped on. I tried to find comfort. I hurt a lot of people. I am back there too often. I feel that there is nothing I can do now to make up for it. I feel sick inside sometimes. I really need to get out of my past. If I don't my future will be awful and since I'm not young I would like to have some good stuff coming. But I feel stuck. And I don't know what to do.

Yes, there are times that I just want to hit someone or something or a lot of someones. I subscribe to the belief that I am in control of my mind and I don't have to act on bad impulses. What a laugh. I don't act on impulses that might hurt other people. I do act on impulses that hurt me. And I have lived so long with so much inward facing anger that there aren't enough anti-depressants to help. What can I do? Should I continue to do what I have been doing? It hurts a lot. I left home at 18 for college then married. Why am I still hearing messages from my mother in my heart and head? My marriage has been over and gone for 23 years. Why the messages of inadequacy from the marriage are still haunting me I don't know. But I do still have them.

One thing I didn't get a copy of is the Idea that without passion, life is sort of dead. I think of myself as sitting on a razor blade with passion on one side and despair on the other. If I have so much darned control of my mind I must, absolutely must, get off the razor blade. Please wish me luck on my choices.

An opinion

I am just like everyone else. I have opinions. And this one may cost me some friends. I have been trying to help with the over pollution of the earth by recycling. Anything I use I try to recycle and I feel pretty darned good about it. We just hit 7 billion inhabitants and of course we are growing exponentially.  I believe that there will be a time when we are too populous to sustain ourselves. And the Duggers are having another baby. 20th. I could go on all day about how wrong I believe this is.

They are gone

I was trying to stop following a blog that no longer posted and there was an error message. It said they couldn't stop that blog and to try again later. Then it proceeded to wipe out from 20 to 25 of the blogs I follow. Damn. Today isn't starting well. On top of a truly horrible day yesterday, and a truly horrible day Friday. I'm wondering if I need to go back to bed and try to start over.