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Sunday, November 13, 2011

I am going to discuss it

I am going to tell you a couple of things I've found that make my life a pain in the neck. I'm not mad all of the time and for the most part I deal on a daily basis. I've made some major mistakes in my history. I deal on a daily basis. I don't spend a lot of time living in the past. But here is where it gets dicey. There seems to be a new trend on the social media to use a lot of sayings to help get thoughts out that are not well said in the mind. Such as the one above. But I find I often don't have a lot of control of those thoughts. When I was growing up and since hitting maturity I have felt that I am different in my way of thinking. For instance, I have no idea what to think of pictures of families sitting around the dinner table on holidays. I was an only and evidently the extended group(aunts, uncles, etc) weren't in the picture because we didn't celebrate holidays with them.
 I am also at a complete loss to understand why I can't just forgive myself and move on from some of my giant mistakes. I am human. I had some needs that were not being met, were being ignored, were being stomped on. I tried to find comfort. I hurt a lot of people. I am back there too often. I feel that there is nothing I can do now to make up for it. I feel sick inside sometimes. I really need to get out of my past. If I don't my future will be awful and since I'm not young I would like to have some good stuff coming. But I feel stuck. And I don't know what to do.
Yes, there are times that I just want to hit someone or something or a lot of someones. I subscribe to the belief that I am in control of my mind and I don't have to act on bad impulses. What a laugh. I don't act on impulses that might hurt other people. I do act on impulses that hurt me. And I have lived so long with so much inward facing anger that there aren't enough anti-depressants to help. What can I do? Should I continue to do what I have been doing? It hurts a lot. I left home at 18 for college then married. Why am I still hearing messages from my mother in my heart and head? My marriage has been over and gone for 23 years. Why the messages of inadequacy from the marriage are still haunting me I don't know. But I do still have them.

One thing I didn't get a copy of is the Idea that without passion, life is sort of dead. I think of myself as sitting on a razor blade with passion on one side and despair on the other. If I have so much darned control of my mind I must, absolutely must, get off the razor blade. Please wish me luck on my choices.


dressingup-everyday said...

Dear Judy, I wish you luck in your life, but to be honest, I think you will not if you let yourself be carried away by passion.Controlling our thoughts and actions isn't dead, that's just enjoy a quiet life, loving oneself.
That's my philosophia and hope I help you.
thanks for your always lovely comments.
Hugs, Y

Judy C said...

After publishing I realized that my reference to passion might be misunderstood. I mean that it is good to be passionate about something, art, work, just life. Apathy, the way I have been doing it, or procrastination like I do is a killer. A good reason to get up in the morning is a good thing.

Ofelia said...

Living right now is all we have; we all hurt people just like other people hurt us.
Today is our present so lets enjoy it!
Have a lovely coming week,

Lorena said...

I have many regrets too.
I regret telling my bff that I was getting married before I asked him if he had any feelings for me.
I asked the question in the wrong order.
Almost 10 years later it still haunts me.
There are things that I know we are supposed to control
but I guess when they are not just reasoning and have feelings attached to them, its not that easy.
I wish I could say something to lift your spirits - I just hope you can do what makes you happy.

ms. devi said...

What a remarkable voice you have. Judy, so many of us could own this post. Most of us walk along the razor's edge, maybe all of us, only some arent aware. I completely understand the part about emotional damage done to someone else and yourself. I live with that every day, have rationalized it, have punished myself, have listened to close people tell me that . . .
But still I am haunted. Some things we cannot undo. That's it. Done is done. But we can move new into each day.

"Apathy, the way I have been doing it, or procrastination like I do is a killer. A good reason to get up in the morning is a good thing." your words talk about me too. But there are days when I just make myself walk through it because I know there is always laughter waiting in the wings for us to claim.
There is a way to make the thoughts, the past, the guilt, the whole package easier.
learn to meditate. It's a great gift. Can you find a meditation group near you? It changed my life.