I needed it, it came

Yesterday was a mostly sunny day. In East Tennessee, mostly is the most we get at this time of year. We have had a mild winter. A couple of frosts, a spit of snow, (at least in Knoxville) and rain. My house is heated with gas and the amount used is a lot lower this year. Gray days, rain, but at least less fuel used.

I began with that because I was driving to the store yesterday and the Jonquils are up and blooming in a yard just up the street. It's no wonder I'm confused this winter. Mother Nature doesn't seem to have her ---- together either. Anyway, I'm saying that Spring looks closer now. Much closer.

The saying above is a new thought for me. I had my tantrum and realized that I'm mad at me. So I'm starting over. I've heard times repeated are how a habit is formed. Some say 2 weeks. Some a month. Whatever. I bought a dozen donuts. I ate half. I pitched the other half. Usually I'll eat all 12. I had a drink with sugar and lots of caffeine. I drank half. Usually I'll finish all of it. Because of habit, and the starving children in China(circa 1955 Mom's words) I have always made myself finish what I take to eat. Now isn't that a hoot? I rarely finish crafts I start. Oh well. Starting over, I'm looking for ideas that are new to me.

The New Year is not the beginning of new things for me. Never has been. For some reason I've always thought of Spring as the beginning of the new year. It's when I get the energy to try different things, to get out, to get a new outlook. And the Jonquils are blooming.

This has not been a good winter for me

As you see, I'm focused on a lot of the stuff that typically opens January. I have chosen, through lack of action, not to follow the crowd. I got this pic from Pinterest and the comment was- rather be the one on the right, that's why I work out. Well, I'm the one on the left but probably without as much muscle. This winter I have allowed the darkness and crappy weather to get to me. If you are a follower(I just lost one from this blog) you have seen no pics of me in many months. It seems that once a downward spiral begins, it is hard to interrupt.

I've chosen to share the ongoing problems today because this last weekend I erupted in an anger that scared me. It was focused at someone else at the time, but I have been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided I am really angry at myself. I'm the one who let me down. I'm the one who has been allowing my looks, health, and habits to slide. And now I'm going to tell you all a little about myself in hopes you will understand and that maybe at last I will understand.  (By the way, if you are really angry, don't hit anything. Things break and bruises happen. Just sayin.)

I am reluctant to do things. I have glorious pictures in my head about how easy it would be to do a lot of things. But I won't try. Because of fear of failure. No, I'm not afraid I can't do it(whatever it is). I'm afraid I can't do it perfectly. As an example-I may have to give up Pinterest, or at least not see it so often. Because my mind automatically goes to the least attainable result, I'm thinking, why lose weight? I'll never look like those skinny or even muscular 20 year olds anyway. And since I am almost  67 I am correct. When the weight goes, skin sags and in some instances the loser looks older. So if I lost a lot of weight I might look older. Not perfect.

My rationale holds a lot of truth. But not all of the truth. I might actually feel better 50 or 60 pounds lighter. And I might actually do more. And I might actually recoup some muscle and maybe even live longer and with a better attitude. I'm not at all pleased with the fact that instead of losing weight, I have gained. But I've gotten a boost in my overall health with some new eating and this may change. I took some pics today. No I don't think I look good. I think I look pretty bad. But guess what! I still have good hair. And it's getting longer. So I shall try to focus on the good.

The one constant in my life that is truly mine is this blog. It isn't influenced by anything outside of myself. Except the need not to put anything out there that would hurt my kids. This blog is my lifeline in the dark days of winter because I am such a recluse. I have to say I need Spring. Soon.

Color my world

We look around us. We see what we usually see. But now you can see more. At least for today.

Another shot of color

 We are living in a time when the little things need to matter to us. So many of us have a lot less than we had a few years ago. Times are hard. It's depressing. It's disheartening. It's sad. Things happen to us that we aren't prepared for; jobs are lost, prices are up, insurance goes when the job does. I have been touched by the downturn in the economy as has everyone. When I go to the grocery store it makes me want to cry. Granted there are more offerings than ever at the store but there is less money to purchase them. I've read about people who collect stuff for fear the world will end. I continue to read about the rise in crime, especially theft. As a total anti-gun person I'm appalled by the rise in armed assaults and deaths from gunshot. It seems sometimes people with no money still find the cash to get a gun. And that is sad to me.

I look outside and the world around me is gray. The skies have been cloudy a lot this winter here in East Tennessee. We have had a few snow flurries but that is it. And I have become more sensitive to the cold as I get older. Since I can't afford the Hawaiian vacation I would love I've decided to try warming up my outlook. I posted some colorful pics before. No, this is not going to be a steady thing. But I feel the need to remind myself of the beauty of the world around me and the simply wonderful things done by other people to brighten their surroundings.                                                                                                                

Not a fan

This dress looks much better on Julianne but the way it's cut, I really don't think anyone would look terrific in it. It's great to have a toned backside. I'd love to have the  impetus to work for it. I'm so out of shape now it would take forever, literally. Actually this particular blog is a rant. If you want to check out now, go for it.

I'm ranting against the need of many women to focus on parts of their bodies. I'm speaking about women who are into the celeb thing. I know that Fashion has been pulled several different ways in the last few years. On the one hand, there are the designers showing see-thru dresses, blouses, etc. Without underwear. And when I see that, I think to myself "who would wear that and where?". I don't see much of the totally see-thru on the red carpet. So there is one question I don't have an answer for. I do see dresses cut to there.......
Despite not being a K fan, I do think Kim is pretty. But then the focus goes to the sexual nature of the girl-big butt, boobs hanging out, sex tape. Is this what it takes to become a celeb. And of course she isn't the only one doing this. Many of the girls in the media seem to think they need to use their bodies to get ahead. One fairly new actress is so into posing in a sexual way that you can see her on the red carpet doing it.

And then we have Toddlers dressing like sluts. And we have models(in France) dressing like sluts despite the fact that they are children.

What I think has happened is very simple. We have become a society of consumers(witness Missoni for Target) and in our minds we must have the very latest of the very latest of everything. I find myself watching the ads for a phone which show 2 people sitting and looking at their phones and saying "that's so 46 seconds ago". There is so much stuff to consume and there are so many people who like different things that those selling are doing crazy stuff to grab a piece of the market. I see that there are hundreds of designers in fashion. And in home decor. And in electronics. And probably in all other aspects. Are we going to come to a time when we have enough? I hope so.

When I needed a lift, I used to go to the celeb mags and the fashion mags. Who wore it better? I have begun to see this question as a great way to feel bad about myself. Articles like the Jen/Ang fight, which probably never even happened and if it did was over many years ago, still make the front pages of the magazines and sometimes even the news shows. I read on MSN about a model with a 20 inch waist who I think looks awful. Wonder how long it will take a few girls to die trying to look like her.

Now when I need a lift I try to look for true beauty. The pics of our world I included give me much more to look forward to in my life than the celeb mags. Don't get me wrong, I can be as interested and bitchy as the next person. I am just working on separating myself from the need to think those things are in any way about me. I grew up loving the idea of being an individual. Fashion was interesting but whenever I tried to fit into a group by dressing like them I realized there was much more to the fitting in than how I was dressed. And after I realized that it was OK to be myself, I fell into the comparison trap again. I am simply not good at carving out a persona for myself. Looking at the two top pics gives me a clue as to why. I, personally, like the thinner butt. Some people like the bigger butt. I don't understand. So I run quickly to the other sorts of input and try not to worry about it.