I've chosen to share the ongoing problems today because this last weekend I erupted in an anger that scared me. It was focused at someone else at the time, but I have been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided I am really angry at myself. I'm the one who let me down. I'm the one who has been allowing my looks, health, and habits to slide. And now I'm going to tell you all a little about myself in hopes you will understand and that maybe at last I will understand. (By the way, if you are really angry, don't hit anything. Things break and bruises happen. Just sayin.)
I am reluctant to do things. I have glorious pictures in my head about how easy it would be to do a lot of things. But I won't try. Because of fear of failure. No, I'm not afraid I can't do it(whatever it is). I'm afraid I can't do it perfectly. As an example-I may have to give up Pinterest, or at least not see it so often. Because my mind automatically goes to the least attainable result, I'm thinking, why lose weight? I'll never look like those skinny or even muscular 20 year olds anyway. And since I am almost 67 I am correct. When the weight goes, skin sags and in some instances the loser looks older. So if I lost a lot of weight I might look older. Not perfect.
My rationale holds a lot of truth. But not all of the truth. I might actually feel better 50 or 60 pounds lighter. And I might actually do more. And I might actually recoup some muscle and maybe even live longer and with a better attitude. I'm not at all pleased with the fact that instead of losing weight, I have gained. But I've gotten a boost in my overall health with some new eating and this may change. I took some pics today. No I don't think I look good. I think I look pretty bad. But guess what! I still have good hair. And it's getting longer. So I shall try to focus on the good.
The one constant in my life that is truly mine is this blog. It isn't influenced by anything outside of myself. Except the need not to put anything out there that would hurt my kids. This blog is my lifeline in the dark days of winter because I am such a recluse. I have to say I need Spring. Soon.