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Friday, May 11, 2012


I would like to Thank those who stuck with me during an extremely long dry spell. I've had quite a year, starting last Fall. Several things have happened and I'm going to share some. I hope that what I share is useful for anyone who needs it.

I found myself so tired and sick and tired and sick of being tired and tired of being sick.
First I found out that I could no longer live with the bad feelings I had. Crying is not the way I want to go through life. I've spend much of my last year without enough energy to function. I didn't realize that a lot of my problem is depression. Deep depression. Chemical depression. Then I hit a wall.

Some of the choices we make seem good at the time. And over time, any relationship will go through good and bad spells. And sometimes the good outweighs the bad. At other times it doesn't. When I am depressed I feel too much, fear, anger, pain of the heart. When someone tells me I am not good enough I believe them, even when my conscious mind says they are wrong. This is a pattern I have followed my whole life.
I am afraid that I will lose love, and be abandoned. Rationally I know I can survive the loss of love. Depression does not make me rational.

I went to a Doctor who helped me with an antidepressant. I have taken them off and on for the last 20 years. I don't know why I stop taking them. I definitely need them and I do function better on the meds. I also found out that I have a breathing problem. We are dealing with that, and the allergies that make the problem worse. I've been on the pills for about 2 months and I'll go back to the doc soon. I plan to request that I get a stronger antidepressant. I still have trouble making myself move around and do things.
I stay home. I don't have many friends because that takes effort. I am becoming more forgetful, not eating right, and I have more trouble maintaining focus. Of course I hope that I don't have some sort of dementia.

I was having fun with the fashion blogging. I think it was sort of good for me to take pics of myself. But when you are depressed there can be too much truth in a photo.
I have found that I wear a uniform. A print top of some sort and solid pant with some matching jewelry. I don't pile on the jewelry. I don't wear jackets if it is at all warm. I hate scarves on me. I wear flats. I don't own any shorts, dresses, or sneakers. I don't own a winter coat and my one bathing suit is just plain ugly. But it fits.

I try to eat the elephant in one bite. I have been able to make a few changes. But there are so many more I need to make. There are so many things I need to do around the house that I have no idea where to begin. I fear failure as if it was a monster which would devour me. Every time I face the fact that I'm making no progress on the things I need to do and want to do I must face failure. Failure to start.

I managed to clean out my closet. What a surprise. It has a floor. I cleaned the clothes out. Now I am wanting to clean the carpet and organize better. Baby steps are movement but it is slow. I'll be 67 in July. I can't put things off any more.

I think the fact that I am able to blog is indicative of an improvement. I am hoping so anyway.

I hope you terrific fellow bloggers have a wonderful weekend.  Judy


Taylor said...

Oh, Judy - so glad you posted. I hope it was a least a little bit cathartic, as I always find when I write. Depression is no joke. While I am not depressed I do suffer from an anxiety issue - going on meds for that was one of the best things I could do for myself, and for my family. Thank you for sharing this. Glad to have you back in the "blogosphere."

Kish said...

You were actually in my thoughts the other day, Judy. I hope you do continue on a path to healing and enjoy everyday that you have.

my thrifty closet said...

thanks for your honesty and sharing with us what is going on your inside. I think being able to share your thoughts is already an indication of recovery. We all go through the ups and downs in life, sometimes things can get really overwhelming. Look up to see hope in the future, sometimes we keep looking down to see our own small feet. There is always light at every dark corner, God bless you and may he help you to continue on this journey of healing!