Passion vs. ambition

This is a thoughtful Thursday for me. I've been thinking about how to enlarge my life. I began by thinking about the things I've done to push myself and what was my motivation. I've decided that ambition wasn't it.

To me, ambition is outward. It's wanting to succeed but even further, wanting to succeed in the eyes of others. Ambition is  sometimes a part of passion. But you can't be truly ambitious without being passionate.

On the other hand, you can be passionate without being ambitious. Passion is often thought of in a sexual sense. But I think the only way to be creative, and to achieve goals is to be passionate. Ambition is doing something because it will enhance your status. And ambition can be part of your makeup without bringing achievement. In order to really achieve, the passion must be there. Einstein said, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." To me that means hard work and passion.

When I look back on the things I achieved in my life, there has always been passion. I became excited about what I was doing. And if I wasn't excited, I never completed my task. It becomes a thing that you can't not do when you are passionate. An artist can't not create. A salesman can't not sell. A caretaker must take care of people or animals or something.

I don't know how to create passion. I wish I did.

Better late than never

I've been noticing that I have a skewed view of some things. Truth. What a concept! And to get to the truth in any given situation has always meant something to me. I've been told that I go for the bottom line(not money) when discussing things but I never thought I was lying. And in all of my 67 years I never realized that the truth is not basic reality. For example, you are involved with someone and you think they are "good people". Well if you watch ID TV you can find out that people are only what they want you to see. There are con artists, criminals, and just plain nuts all over the place.

I have always thought people were basically good. I have re-examined that concept and sometimes I see that they aren't. I choose to think of those people as broken. Just as beings can be born with genetic physical anomalies, they can also be born with psychological ones. And that is when the environment takes over and further molds. I don't believe in original sin but I do believe that babies are born with certain tendencies. For instance, I believe that I was born with a tendency to feel abandonment as death. I didn't find out about that till my late 40's and I'm still finding out the many ways it affects me. But I still feel that most people are basically good. And it is how we choose to act on our version of the truth tells the sort of person we are. Not good or bad. Those are arbitrary ideas that don't have a place in my thinking. The sort of person who chooses to be friend or foe is more like it.

I have seen politicians who truly believe a woman won't get pregnant from a rape. Even some women believe that. And there are many who believe a woman should have no choice about completing a pregnancy no matter the circumstances. There are men who think of women as their property. There are those who consider sex slavery a way to make a living. There are those who kill for fun, or to right a perceived wrong done to them. There are women who think it's OK to break up a family to get a man. I personally believe an unwilling man can't be taken but that's just me. I personally hate guns. I personally don't believe in stealing, from the government or anyone else. I personally believe that loving others is the way to go. My truths!

The truth about these and all other "facts, truths" in life seems to be very much in the eye of the beholder as is beauty. Some folks think body builders have beautiful bodies. That is their truth. Others see extreme thinness as beautiful. And there are those who love heavier people. That sort of truth may seem unimportant but for the overweight, thin, or muscular person that sort of truth is important.

Truth. Fact. Belief. Guess what! These seem to all be different things. When I get dressed up and look in the mirror I may see myself as looking good. Or I may compare myself to a different sort of truth and see myself as looking fat, or old, or silly. I've decided I need to define the truth for me. This about the things in my life. And if I want to compare, I'll try to compare myself to my idea of what is good and comfortable and pretty for me. I'm 67, an old dog still learning new tricks.

About those other concepts; rape, politics, etc. I am a jury of one. I must define what works in my view and stick with that. And I must allow others to do the same. If I disagree, I'll say so and then shut up. The stress of trying to change someone else isn't worth it.

Down so long

An old saying, "been down so long it feels like up to me", came to mind as I thought over my recent past. I decided to make myself focus on things that make me happy instead of letting the daily stress continue to make me crazy.

The first thing I share is my love for art and color. In my mind they go together. I recognize the artistry in some black and white photos and in pencil and pen drawings. But color speaks to my soul. And I am totally drawn to mixes of color. The art of Glass by Chihuly, the mixes of Klimpt, and even street art. I love the colors of Spring, the sunsets, the rippling of water, the fashions of the East, underwater life, and all other things colorful. I smile when I see an Iris.

 This person was my friend for the 14 years she lived with me. I am not, however, going to limit my love to just her. I love dogs. Big ones, little ones. Happy ones, grumpy ones. I see in them the dedication to a full life that I aspire to. They have a problem, they just get over it and go back to being happy and loving beings. One of the dogs I have now doesn't seem to know how to be still. Her tail wags if she is awake. Constantly. (the other one doesn't have a tail) I have complained about having to go to the bathroom accompanied by a dog, but she pushes the door open and we love. Love is good anywhere.

I have recently found ball jointed dolls on pinterest. Previously I have loved art dolls, Barbie, Bratz, and others. I like them because they are able to show me fun, fashion, and frivolity. I'm a fan of the Creagers, Jack Johnson, Kevin Bunton, Paula Nerhus, and many others. The best thing about dolls is that I can't look at them without smiling. Mealy Monsters and Chicken Lips dolls are a joy. And Halloween wouldn't be nearly so much fun without a witch doll. Smiles in spades.

 Jewelry. From the time I was little I have loved jewelry. I've made jewelry but for some reason I don't wear my own designs. Well folks, I am about to change that. I am forced to redo my craft studio. I've not been in there in the last few years. I've been too hung up on health difficulties and constant tiredness. But I think one of the reasons for tiredness is a lack of something to get excited about. I'm about to take care of that. I may move slowly when I work around the house. But at least it's something to look forward to-the day I can sit down and be creative.

I don't wear scarves. So why is this photo amongst those things I love? Because the pattern is ethnic. I have been wanting to be a hippie since I saw Easy Rider in the early 70's. I had a friend with a Chopper which I rode. I had a motorcycle for a while. I loved the song, Born to be Wild, and still do. I felt stifled by expectations and the hippie ideas were my way of breaking free. But I didn't go with the idea. I stuck around and further stifled myself until I cracked completely. Now the hippie and bohemian fashions are popular with some. They include ethnic patterns and colors and they remind me of the freedoms I wanted. I'm in a completely different place in my life now but I still have dreams of faraway places with strange sounding names. I have been fortunate through TV and the computer to see, second hand, the places which seem to draw me. And now, I'm able to put those things into my memory book almost as it I had been there.

Last week I met a man. I am totally happily involved with my love of 24 years and don't wish for another relationship. But, this man I met came to inspect the installation of my air conditioning replacement. He had a t-shirt that referred to the Dragon. This is a road near here that bikers from all over the country come here to ride. This man had a pony tail, was in the very early sixties, was very neat and clean and was very open and friendly. I saw him as being totally at home in himself. The vibe I got from him so relaxed me and so comforted me. He was a total lesson in self acceptance. I loved it so much that I decided to remind myself of him when I try to put myself down. In my experience, self-acceptance is totally difficult to achieve sometimes. And having reminders is good.

Spring has sprung. But the weather is still unusually cool. I believe it almost makes up for the money crap that this year has brought. Meanwhile I will try to focus more on the things I love.

Mother's day

This is me on my visit to my first grandchild. I don't talk much about my children because I don't think it's my right to disclose their business. I've accidentally done that before and it didn't go over well. So today, if I accidentally disclose their business, please ignore that part of the post.

I have three children. I was an only child from a mother who didn't expect to or want to have children. My childhood has been mostly forgotten, both because my short term memory sucks and because it wasn't a particularly happy childhood. There were no kids on the block to play with so I didn't learn to play well with others. My life wasn't really typical. I had to ask what "kick the can" and "king of the mountain" were. I loved school, probably because there were kids there and I got to play with them. Of course also because I just enjoyed reading so much.

I was shocked when I found out the amount of noise 3 kids could make. And the amount of time it took just to keep up with them. As a new mother, I thought I was good at it when my first child was relatively easy. By the time I had had the third one, I was dead certain I could do nothing right. And unfortunately, because of the difficulties in the marriage, I was essentially a single mom. A single mom who fell apart and misbehaved in ways that damaged the children terribly. When I look back on that time, I don't understand how I could have done the things I did and my heart just breaks for the kids. That was over 20 years ago and I still feel awful about the "crazy time". But I am a mother. It is the best thing I ever did, having babies.

I realize that the shameful things I did at that time will haunt me. But since that time I have tried to be the best Mom I can be by showing that no one has to remain stuck in bad behavior. I have asked for forgiveness and I've worked to show a loving, dependable and kind example.

So on Mother's Day, I would like to say to all people with children... If you find yourself in such pain that you can't focus on your children, get help. Love yourself enough to love them.

Just a phase

 Now that I have made my hair blonde, I looked back on that brown and think it looked good. For some reason I've been hearing a lot about body dismorphic disorder. That's when a person considers their body ugly and it really isn't ugly. Or they think the body looks very differently than the true form. I think many people suffer from forms of this, such as anorexia.

I've looked in the mirror and I see myself a lot differently than I do in pictures. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. I think I need to become more connected with the real me. And I know I need to be more satisfied with the body I have. I feel better as a blonde even though this pic looks OK with brown hair.

There are a lot of things we need to learn about ourselves. This might be one. I'm a hair person. Bad hair=bad day. I'll bet there are other bloggers who have different focuses. I've enjoyed reading and empathizing with them.

Ah, Home

The air conditioner is being replaced today. I'll need to pay a huge amount of money. It seems that after consulting with my money advisor I need to downsize. So by this time next year I'll have this place cleaned out and painted and ready to sell. Come hell or high water. Brian and I would love a one story house with a much larger yard for the dogs. I'm nervous about moving. Been here 24 years. But I will just have to pull my big girl panties up and do it. Damn.