I did it

Monday I had weight loss surgery. I am glad to report that I lived through it. I'm home since about noon yesterday. Sore, and not yet noticing things. I have found out that drinking too fast and too much was a problem. All my systems are go and I quickly am feeling better now in my own place. Just after the surgery one must be there all the time to write down intake, help to the bathroom, and generally watch over the patient. My lovely s-i-l sister stayed with me the first night and I"ll never be able to repay her kindness. The whole experience has been terrific so far. The hospital was Tennova and I've never been to a better hospital. Boy have I been lucky.

A Bad Day?

I wish I could have felt this way all of my life. And sometimes I wish I could know where my feelings and beliefs come from. I have wanted to be pretty all of my life. Somehow when I was young I got the feeling that I could only be OK if I were pretty. Not pretty in spite of something. Not you would be pretty if you weren't ....... Just pretty. I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed that. When I had daughters I asked my husband if I was as pretty as they were and he said no. Of course by then he didn't like anything about me. But he was right. They are both beautiful and I am still trying to be pretty.

Since I have gained so much weight, I have looked in the mirror every day and been truly disgusted by what I saw. Totally disgusted. I have a good relationship with my sig other and he says I'm pretty. I'm gratified to know that he thinks I'm pretty but I still don't. And sadly, my opinion of myself colors all aspects of my relationship with him and with everyone else. And, in an effort to feel better I've bought enough clothes and jewelry to outfit several women. I have so much of both that I can't keep up with them and stick to uniforms-wearing the same things all of the time.

With the weight loss surgery coming up I am wondering how the changes will affect my psyche. I would love to think that I'm prepared for the changes and I am spending a lot of time reading about and learning about the aftermath. I think one of my goals is just to feel comfortable in my body just once in my life. That would be nice.

Help Me!

Have you had days that the mirror scares you? Have you had days when you question decisions and activities and expenditures? You have? Well, that makes me feel better. I suppose I expected to be in better shape than I am. But I'm not so the Weight Loss Surgery is necessary. I know I expected more support. But sometimes you don't get what you ask for. So what do you do then? I'm trying to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. And crying. A Lot. 

It's a hoot

She's wearing a top that would probably fit me now. And I hope that I can do it like she did. The clothes I have- and that is a lot- will hopefully be that big on me in a year. After Feb 24 I'll begin a journey into the unknown. That being losing weight instead of gaining. Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the hospital and doctor's office learning more about the things I must do to make that happen. I have a couple of opinions about that.

One thing I am certain of is---- this is not an easy weight loss fix. There is no such thing as going to the doc and getting fixed. The surgeon gives out tools to used for weight loss. Surgery, diet, exercise, etc are needed. You notice that surgery is only one part of the equation. Without it the other parts haven't worked and with surgery only the problem of excess weight would still exist. So I've spent the last few months reading and learning. But the most important thing I have done is to visualize myself having an active old age. I do believe that is the thing I have wanted most in my life. An active and interesting life. And the surgery is one of the things that can help with that.

I've seen so much on the pinterest web site and on the blogs. I've always been drawn to boho and ethnic dressing. I have a ton of clothing for that purpose. It's hard to believe that I will shrink out of them within a month or two. So when I do post pics, maybe you can remember that a skinny model wore a top ten sizes too big. So I'm not alone.

It's coming

I spent from 8:00 AM to 11:00 AM at the hospital on a preoperative visit. I was talked to, signed a hundred forms(I know my name now), walked miles, was tested, paid money, and came home with almost an inch of paperwork that I need to read and organize, and a huge bag of supplements etc. I also found out I'll have to give myself shots. Boy am I looking forward to that! I met some really nice people. And I'm totally impressed with the way the hospital and Doctor's offices are run. It is Tennova hospital at Turkey Creek in Knoxville Tennessee. There were people there to guide me to every place I needed to go. And they were so nice. I'd be happy to have anything done there. And I'm confident that my experience will continue to be good. I think relaxing is probably helpful when the surgery comes up.

I've been having more trouble getting around. More pain. I'm just grateful that I'm able to get around.