Sometimes

It's hard to know when I'm making a mistake. I see things one way and I'm happy with my perception. But he sees them another. I remember growing up that I never knew what would make my mother angry. It just seemed to come out of the blue. And my sense of unfairness at the situation always made my angry and hurt. After all, how does one know when they are making an error in judgement if not told that the behavior is not good. I used to come home from school every day with a feeling of dread because I never knew what to expect when I got home. Lately it's been happening again. Or at least it feels the same.

Have I changed or has he? Or is this just a fluke? I am often second guessing myself because of the increase in age. Do I still have any judgement? Is my brain working? Am I just prone to make mistakes in thinking? When you grow up with a situation like mine it's hard not to second guess every move, thought, or belief. One thing I am sure of, if there is a period of general calm and good feelings, it will end. With a bang, often. And not to sound paranoid, I think I'm just not meant to have peace. I don't think I actively seek out drama. But the choices I've made seem to lead me there. I have needed to put thought into the outcomes of my actions and even then I make wrong decisions.

What you are hearing from me now is a really bad case of depression. I'm scared of what the future might hold if some things don't get resolved. I was told many years ago by my therapist that I have abandonment depression. And that means an irrational fear of being left alone. Of a lack of acceptance, and of not being good enough. I've worked really hard over the last 25 years since the divorce and I thought I had a handle on the crappy self esteem. But then here it is. I can't call it the black dog because I have a black dog. It is, for me, more of a black fog. Dense, with no light shining through. And above all else, it is painful. It really hurts, physically. I want to shrink, to hide, and to never again see the light of day. I'm so tired.

It's a blue funk. It's depression. It's sadness squared. It's frustration. It's all of these and more. I turned 70 on the 7th of July. Is this the reason for the feelings? No, I don't think so. So far, 70 is a lot like being 69. I'm just going to have to place the blame elsewhere. Like the fact that I had set up in my mind that I wanted to lose a certain amount of weight by 70. Didn't. And I wanted to be organized by 70. Still not. And I wanted to have my goals somewhat accomplished by 70 and still no. It's as if I set myself up for failure. Yep, that's what it is. New goal-----try not to set up goals that I am not going to do well on. It's time to search for smaller goals that I can accomplish, like maybe daily ones.

AS far as the weight loss thing, the surgery only takes you so far. A great jump start. If you go into the surgery thinking you'll never have to diet again, you might as well not get cut. I found quickly that I can eat every hour. Just not so much at a time. And I found that I still have a taste for carbs and that hasn't lessened at all. Nor have the excuses I give myself for the poor eating. I'm really good at lying to myself. And I found that being organized is a huge deal. (check paragraph one). In short, I haven't been good at changing anything but the size of my stomach. And someone else did that for me.

I have a few things to recommend in spite of the lack of organization. I have joined Bookbub.com. I am pleased to say that I have been able to cut my book spending by a lot. I have two Kindles and they are both full of books to read. I'm trying to keep my mind busy instead of eating. Bookbub offers an array of books by email every day for the kindle or other reading ap. And the books go from free to about 1.99. You choose your genres and get several offers. All of course from amazon. It is a great way to get reading matter without filling up the house with things that will eventually hit a land fill.

I have something to say about my mental state. Yes I do depression, and I do it well. Part of my problem may be a form of ADD. I've never been diagnosed and I'm not going to try now. But I'm easily distracted, have trouble sitting still and even reading a super book for over 30 minutes without getting up to do something. It is a pain in the ________. I've been reading about mindful living, mindful eating, mindful loving. I spent the whole of my younger life doing a lot of avoiding, reacting, afraid of what's coming, and not being proactive about much of anything. My children suffered. And now that I realize what mindful living is, I'm trying to be more engaged in life in every way. I have a mile long list of shouldn'ts, can'ts, don'ts, and the guilt that goes along with not doing things right. I remember going to a school function dressed all wrong and wondering why I didn't know the right way to do things. I was disconnected from life. Bouncing along on my lonely road by myself. I had no idea how to find things out. I'm doing better now. And I'm happier now. It all seems to boil down to the self-confidence needed to carry off life. I'm working on it, mindfully as possible.