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Friday, July 17, 2015

It's a blue funk. It's depression. It's sadness squared. It's frustration. It's all of these and more. I turned 70 on the 7th of July. Is this the reason for the feelings? No, I don't think so. So far, 70 is a lot like being 69. I'm just going to have to place the blame elsewhere. Like the fact that I had set up in my mind that I wanted to lose a certain amount of weight by 70. Didn't. And I wanted to be organized by 70. Still not. And I wanted to have my goals somewhat accomplished by 70 and still no. It's as if I set myself up for failure. Yep, that's what it is. New goal-----try not to set up goals that I am not going to do well on. It's time to search for smaller goals that I can accomplish, like maybe daily ones.

AS far as the weight loss thing, the surgery only takes you so far. A great jump start. If you go into the surgery thinking you'll never have to diet again, you might as well not get cut. I found quickly that I can eat every hour. Just not so much at a time. And I found that I still have a taste for carbs and that hasn't lessened at all. Nor have the excuses I give myself for the poor eating. I'm really good at lying to myself. And I found that being organized is a huge deal. (check paragraph one). In short, I haven't been good at changing anything but the size of my stomach. And someone else did that for me.

I have a few things to recommend in spite of the lack of organization. I have joined I am pleased to say that I have been able to cut my book spending by a lot. I have two Kindles and they are both full of books to read. I'm trying to keep my mind busy instead of eating. Bookbub offers an array of books by email every day for the kindle or other reading ap. And the books go from free to about 1.99. You choose your genres and get several offers. All of course from amazon. It is a great way to get reading matter without filling up the house with things that will eventually hit a land fill.

I have something to say about my mental state. Yes I do depression, and I do it well. Part of my problem may be a form of ADD. I've never been diagnosed and I'm not going to try now. But I'm easily distracted, have trouble sitting still and even reading a super book for over 30 minutes without getting up to do something. It is a pain in the ________. I've been reading about mindful living, mindful eating, mindful loving. I spent the whole of my younger life doing a lot of avoiding, reacting, afraid of what's coming, and not being proactive about much of anything. My children suffered. And now that I realize what mindful living is, I'm trying to be more engaged in life in every way. I have a mile long list of shouldn'ts, can'ts, don'ts, and the guilt that goes along with not doing things right. I remember going to a school function dressed all wrong and wondering why I didn't know the right way to do things. I was disconnected from life. Bouncing along on my lonely road by myself. I had no idea how to find things out. I'm doing better now. And I'm happier now. It all seems to boil down to the self-confidence needed to carry off life. I'm working on it, mindfully as possible.

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