Have I changed or has he? Or is this just a fluke? I am often second guessing myself because of the increase in age. Do I still have any judgement? Is my brain working? Am I just prone to make mistakes in thinking? When you grow up with a situation like mine it's hard not to second guess every move, thought, or belief. One thing I am sure of, if there is a period of general calm and good feelings, it will end. With a bang, often. And not to sound paranoid, I think I'm just not meant to have peace. I don't think I actively seek out drama. But the choices I've made seem to lead me there. I have needed to put thought into the outcomes of my actions and even then I make wrong decisions.
What you are hearing from me now is a really bad case of depression. I'm scared of what the future might hold if some things don't get resolved. I was told many years ago by my therapist that I have abandonment depression. And that means an irrational fear of being left alone. Of a lack of acceptance, and of not being good enough. I've worked really hard over the last 25 years since the divorce and I thought I had a handle on the crappy self esteem. But then here it is. I can't call it the black dog because I have a black dog. It is, for me, more of a black fog. Dense, with no light shining through. And above all else, it is painful. It really hurts, physically. I want to shrink, to hide, and to never again see the light of day. I'm so tired.