That was then

How is it that a person can not see what is right in front of them? I've been back in therapy and I think I have turned a corner. I have had some breakthroughs. And I have had some issues to finally deal with in order to be OK with me.

I thought I needed to have a style. So I chose boho. I thought I needed to look outside myself and my life for guidance. And I found that the outside is not important. I took this photo several years ago. It was before the sleeve surgery. It was before I realized that change must come from me and that buying things is only a temporary fix for feeling down. I need stimulation but I was staying home and doing nothing to improve my days. Well, fast forward a few years and I am totally different in my outlook. I don't need anyone to make me feel OK. I can actually do it myself.

I met an artist the other day. She is quite pretty and really good at her art. She seems driven. I began to compare myself to her and coming out wanting. But then my mind and heart told me that I like me and my life better than if I was living her life. I just couldn't do it. I actually relaxed into a feeling of self satisfaction. New to me.

I have found it

I have found my niche. I've read about blogging that I should have a niche. A set of things that appeal to others. I've found mine--- I'm over 70 and overweight. I'm under pressure and underfunded. I'm unable to afford the high fashion things and unable to let go needing them. I'm unfocused and unwise in my shopping. I'm putting things together from discount stores and thrift. I'm not thrifty. I'm dissatisfied with myself and angry about my unwillingness to diet. So if you understand/practice these actions, this is your niche too.

Oh, I forgot to say I'm boring. I have a reluctance to go out in hot weather. But summer is almost over. At least it is supposed to be over soon. So my chance at fashion and style is returning. In the summer I look at blogs, see women in jackets, sweaters, and with large scarves and I wonder where in hell do they live. I mean hell. It is freaking hot here. A scarf around my neck would cause no end of discomfort in 90+ degree weather. There are other things I don't do in the summer. Like wear cuff bracelets and heavy necklaces. And wear anything tight. And wear anything that feels hot. So I limit myself to the simple, flats, pants/shorts, and a T style top.

Being overweight and having no interest in discomfort, I stick with stretch and elastic. Waist. I'm not into spanx. I'm not into tight waist items. Belts---nope. Where does this leave me?

Walmart. I found a cute peasant blouse at Walmart. Fifteen dollars. I now have it in four colors. I found the cutest pair of floral flats at Walmart. Six dollars. I have some stretch jeans from Walmart. Granted they aren't 7For All Mankind. But they fit. Nice plus for me.

Marshalls. I found the best bag I've had in a long time at Marshalls. Beige with fringe. I've been using it quite a while without needing or wanting to change. It was on sale for $24. And I've gotten bras, (I'm a 40DDD) for $12. Super nightgowns for $12. Tops from brand name designers for under $25 and the cutest shoes.

Kohls. I have found that they have a fabulous upsize department for women. As does Steinmart. I'm going to post some pics in the future of the great things I have found. Oh, and I can't forget ebay. What fun I have on there.

See you soon with a pic.

Do you love yourself?

I've been fighting depression for a long time. I have finally found a medicine to help and a therapist to help and the reason to work. I haven't ever, in my 70+ years loved myself. I firmly believe that a person who takes good care of themselves has loved themselves. But not me. I haven't eaten right, haven't exercised, haven't done dental care, skin care, or even health care. So I'm lucky to still be alive and to be able to function. Lately, and hopefully not too late, I'm being much more careful with me. I see it as a step toward loving myself. It isn't just for me. I have grown kids, grandkids, a wonderful honey, and two precious furpersons. I also have a few friends to love and care about. I'm learning a lot from my kids about self-love. For instance, I now know it isn't something that is constant. Even those who have a totally healthy ego have bad times. I always thought of doing poorly as falling back into bad feelings. Time to totally change that thought. I was long ago diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. Part of that disorder is to often see a new problem as the end of my world and a total failure on my part. I have taught myself to step back and wait before the panic. And amazingly, things that I was afraid of often just don't happen . I watch my children deal with things that really disappoint them and when they ask for advice I tell them that things will get better. And they do get better. I need to heed my own advice.

Part of loving myself is not putting off things I need or want to do. I think procrastination is the opposite of self-love. It is guilt inducing. I have been the Queen of Procrastination for my whole life out of fear of failure. You see, when I fail, I die. At least that is how it sometimes feels. So I'm now making goals and plans so I can look back on the things I accomplished and feel proud. It's really a treat to mark off the things I have done. I am learning to love myself.

Mindfullness

I keep hearing about mindfullness or mindfulness or something. I don't know what it means but I do know what it means to me. It means focusing, not drifting. I have found that, unbeknownst to me, I have not focused for most of my life. There have been periods of focus but not enough. Like when I meet someone new, I forget their name right off the bat. Why? because I don't focus. I've decided to focus on this and see what I have been missing. I'll say more later.
 

Did you know?

It's not necessarily a good thing to have a good memory. Especially when memories aren't good ones.

Sometimes down feels like a small death. Sometimes it stays around for a long time. And when there isn't someone to talk to it feels like a larger death.

I don't think I can overcome things without a kick in the ass. Anyone know a good way to kick yourself in the ass?

Staying alone too much isn't good for you.

Buying things doesn't fix anything.

Closet cleaning is good for the soul. And Spring. And pets.

I'm now going to clean out a closet.

I give up

I have been buying the National Enquirer. I'll admit it. I don't particularly like the magazine but I love the puzzles. Now I have made a vow to never buy it again. There is an article that says Trump must win. I am so disgusted that I threw it away. Good riddance to bad bad bad rubbish.