In the eye of the beholder

I am a dog lover. I am an animal lover and I love good people too. I guess the only thing I don't love is me.

There are so many ways to learn self confidence. And there are tons of ways to lose it. Messages are everywhere. I have seen on TV that you must have a REVENGE body. But revenge against what or who? If you get your body in a shape that is pleasing to you, it's not revenge; it's a gift to yourself. If you want to look different or feel different there is no revenge to it. It is just a change. The biggest thing to think of is that you are satisfied with the change.

I am a mother. I modeled poor behavior for my children by the way I treated them and by how I treated me. After a long and mostly loveless marriage I broke. I literally looked for love in all the wrong places. My children loved me. I didn't see it. Why? because I didn't love me. I didn't even like me. Messages are interesting. Mom didn't let me wash dished because she was afraid I would break a dish. Message sent===you are incompetent. Husband wanted to spend all of his time away from work with his buddies. Message sent===you are boring. Children wanted to spend time away from home. Message sent===you aren't a good mother. You get the picture. I interpreted things in a negative way about me. And I was dead wrong. I could have thought of the time he was out with his friends as a great time for me to do something interesting. Nope!!! I saw it as a time for me to fret about my shortcomings.

I think I have learned to let go of the need for constant kudos. I think.

Soon!!!

Peace

Tuesday I saw hope. I saw a possible improvement of the political landscape. I've been depressed for a year. but with luck things will get better.

Mindful?

I've drifted. And drifted. Because I have a decent amount of intelligence, I tried to do things in my life without planning. Without goals. And I drifted. If this rings a bell, I heartily suggest that anyone who wants a good quality of life tries not to drift. I don't remember ever feeling like I'm done, I'm satisfied, I'm comfortable. Instead I have always been scared. Scared of the things that might happen. Scared of the things that might not happen. And just plain scared.

I think if I had planned, paid attention, and not drifted, I wouldn't have as much to be scared of. I'd know that I had the right outfit for my child's play. I'd know I had paid the bills. I'd know how much money I had left. I'd know what's for supper tonight and maybe tomorrow night and how much I had paid for it. I'd have the dusting done, the floors clean, the laundry sorted and ready. Because I had been paying attention. There is a trend to mindfulness. Seriously, this should not be a trend. It should not be the latest thing. Mindfulness is simply paying attention. If you don't know how to balance a checkbook or account, instead of being overwhelmed by that, you ask for help. Then once you learn there is one less thing to worry about.

I have been collecting clothes that make me feel less overweight. But what is the problem? The weight. And when I sit down and think, really think, I am aware that I'm doing the wrong thing to solve the problem. I wasn't even admitting I had the problem. Denial.

I have collected items that are meant to make me more spiritual. It never occurred to me that I could become more spiritual without buying items. Including self help books.

So, to me, mindfulness isn't the trend. It's simply paying attention to what is important. And working on it.

Now I have some work to do.