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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Again there is no new pic

I went to the dentist a week and a half ago and had a root canal. And I'm getting a new crown. Unfortunately, since I'm not as young anymore, it's taking things longer to settle down. I have been swollen on one side of my upper lip and it still hasn't completely gone down. It makes my whole face seem off and since I still have a modicum of vanity, no pics. Actually no make-up.

I began to worry when I got out my winter clothes and began to try things on. I don't make many changes in the winter since a lot of my wardrobe is of the year-round variety. But some of the things that fit last year don't fit so well now. Yep, too much sweets and fats. So I called my wonderful daughter the chef who has lost over 60 pounds and asked for some coaching. She did the loss with a major cut back on the fats and a lot more fresh veggies and fruits. She lives in Florida. Sorry but the veggies and fruits aren't quite so fresh here. Anyway over the last couple of weeks I have made an admitted half hearted effort to cut down on sweets and fats. Yeah. Half-hearted. It seems I don't include candy, sugar cookies, toast with butter, etc in that group. So, I began to wonder. How serious am I about dropping pounds? I have talked to myself every which way and I'm no closer to the answer. I can ask myself if I don't care how I look. Well I thought I did. Do I not care how I feel? Well I thought I did. Don't I care about the quality of my life? Well I thought I did. So why am I having so hard a time making a commitment to the improvement of my life. I have to admit that my knees and back hurt a lot more now. I have to admit that I am more tired now. I have to admit that my interest in crafts and decorating have deteriorated with the energy level. I don't sleep as well(hardly at all). I have a lot of trouble doing chores. I can't shop(did you hear that?).

So I am on the horns of a dilemma. I'm slap dab into the story of my life. Procrastination. Running from the difficult. Feeding fear and depression with food. And having a hard time making up my mind to do even one day of the change I need to make. I cleaned out my fridge, freezers, and pantry. But the candy is still here. And the cookies. And because I live with someone some things must stay. What needs to go is my attitude. I am still behaving like a child. I don't plan meals. I don't plan snacks. And I don't shop well at the grocery store.

Because I have been made much more aware of the way I look by posting on the blog, I'm hoping to gain insight into my behavior by discussing it with anyone who would like to chime in. I've been into using bandaids to cover my dissatisfaction. For instance, I've now changed my hair color about 10 times in the last few years. I have had it several different styles. And amazingly enough I still look fat and feel bad. I have bought some clothes to wear, thinking that they might make me look pretty. But I find it doesn't make any difference if I can't be satisfied and OK with what is inside the clothes.

I have been reading some fashion blogs by some of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. And no, I don't compare myself to them. I do, however, wish for some of the comfort those girls have within themselves. And of course I consider them total eye candy. I've been checking out crafting blogs, thrift blogs, and sewing blogs. Over the course of my life I have crafted, thrifted, sewed, painted, cooked well, and enjoyed doing them all. But I am feeling the throes of depression hitting. I have allowed this to happen to myself. I had a period of time when I battled depression with the most outlandish behavior a wife and mother could think of. I have taken anti-depressants for years. I went to therapy for almost 4 years. I swore to myself I would never let the feelings of failure and worthlessness sneak up on me again. I swore. And I lied to myself. I am taking yet another drug and this time it isn't the normal antidepressant. It doesn't seem to work either. But is it me? I don't seem to be helping myself. At all. I know that there are certain things I can do to help myself. I am too old to waste any more time. I'm going to go throw the candy away now. Then I'll plan what to do next.


CrystalChick said...

I've recently started making some changes in what I eat. I do like alot of 'healthy' foods, but had gotten lazy for awhile and was indulging more often in too many 'unhealthy' ones. I can't say that I've lost weight in the few weeks I've been dieting, only 1 pound actually, but it took quite awhile for me to gain it and it'll take a bit more to get rid of some of it.

Frozen fruits and veggies are a good substitute for fresh! I make a frozen smoothie with non-fat greek yogurt, berries and a few other goodies. It's delish!

From the photos below, I think you are a very attractive woman. Of course I know we all have to be happy with ourselves from the inside, and I've had some difficulties over the years with that as well, but don't be too hard on yourself. Just take it one day at a time and keep going. If you have removed alot of things from your freezers and pantry that's a good step. You can't live in a bubble, there will be things around here and there to tempt you, but once you make the commitment I think things will become a little easier.
I don't know that there is anything wrong with buying clothes that you feel pretty in or changing your hair color or style. It's a balance I suppose. I know for me, it's hard to find that some days! Don't deny yourself those things though if they do help you feel good.
The main difficulty I'm having is lack of exercise. I have a couple health things that seem to get in the way occasionally. That could be an excuse too. ;) Work in progress, that's where I'm at.

OH, by the way, I'm Mary... visting from Birdie, Barbara's blog.

Have a good day!

dressingup-everyday said...

I see you radiant in last posts. I especially love the combo white, red and blue,it's very elegant and chic.Never compare yourself with others: you're unique ( all we are).The dog is adorable and so nice ( I love the animals so much).
Thans for your good wishes.

Lesa said...

I love this post,you mirror many of the things I feel. However, I do know that you are a vibrant beautiful woman and more than anything else I can tell just by blogging with you that you are sweet and kind, which is much, much more important in my book.

Lorena said...

Oh... dentist woes.
Last time I went to the dentist she slide my tongue. Swear to GOD. I bled and bled and bled and then just began to cry like a baby. She looked at me with horror.
I hope your swelling is gone by now.
And don't talk about pounds. My jeans today are so tight I cannot wait to get home and take them off.
I too have gained a few pounds and can only think about my next meal :(