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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

It just comes to you

 She is beautiful. She is probably my age and she is beautiful. Just look at that smile. And looking at her I feel she is comfortable with who she is. And isn't that what we all want? I know I do. I've spent the majority of my 68 years feeling at odds with what I'm doing, who I am, how I think others see me, and what is real. Many of us are raised with unconditional acceptance from those around us. Others of us aren't. I don't mean to say that acceptance and approval are the same thing. I don't think there is a human alive who has had constant unconditional approval. If there is, they are probably ego driven and not very nice. But acceptance encompasses all of the aspects of a person and is there no matter what. For instance, I accept that my partner has some behaviors that I'd like to kill him for. But I don't because I accept him as he is even though sometimes I try to change some of his behaviors.

I grew up knowing that my acceptance was conditional
on the sort of mood my mom was in  and on the history of her
acceptance from others. You see, this can be handed down like an ugly piece of Christmas china. Acceptance is part trust. It's necessary to trust that the person is doing as much as they can and if they miss the mark, they are still a good and worthwhile person. My mom had days when the hardest trying didn't work to satisfy her. Nothing would satisfy her. It made her and me very unhappy. She didn't know any better and at the time neither did I. Then I married and went to another home in which acceptance was quite rare. There were moments of happiness(when the kids were born) but the majority of the time in the marriage was agony over not being able to please my mate. I had expected to have a partner and friend but instead I had a father and boss. It was a disappointment for both of us.

 I continue to have major trust issues but I have a friend. Actually 2. My ex's sister and I have become friends. And her husband. I love that photo of two ladies being friends. It's beautiful. That is the sort of joy I feel when she and I are able to be together. It didn't happen during the marriage. It's happening now.

I don't want to imply that nothing good happened during the marriage. The baby blue Volks convertible reminds me of some super times. I had one and I loved it. I also remember lovely things about living in Florida, living at the lake in Tennessee, and living in a terrific neighborhood in Knoxville. But there are few memories of the friendship I had hoped for. I thought that marriage meant that someone would always love me and would always be on my side. And by the time the kids came, I didn't feel I would ever have that. Have you ever had a time when you questioned your worth to the extent that you wonder why you were born? It isn't a good feeling.
Well, It came to me. I had based my feelings on incorrect assumptions. I had spent most of my life trying for unconditional acceptance by trying to change myself. I was wrong.

So I'm finally trying to listen to the things I want but had put away. I think it is a good thing old dogs can learn new tricks, because this one just came to me.


Ofelia said...

You as all of us had spend your life living and dealing with all of the emotions that life brings to us. And those feeling and emotions are the main reasons of our humanity.

Cihan'in Bahcesi said...