Not interested

I have actually finally acknowledged that I'm not interested in being like others and I'm OK with that. I have a collection of purses, which I'm going to sell, and a wardrobe full of clothes I thought were going to make me feel stylish. I have many many statement necklaces. I go so few places I have several that I've never worn. All of these things I spent money on with the hope I would finally feel stylish and like others I have seen. Mostly on TV or the computer. The acquisition of these things has become a burden. I don't want to change purses every time I go out. I don't want to spend a lot of time in my closet digging out presumed stylish things to wear when I go out. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF I have.

I thought that if I read books and discovered my signature style things would get easier. Boy was I wrong. I can't have a signature style because I get bored easily. Wearing similar stuff all of the time would bore me to tears. So I'm going to go with things that I really love, pieces that I can use many ways and things I feel good in. And that brings me to the next thing I have decided. I'm going to use the things I don't love to wear for other things. Some will be donations to charity. Some will be turned into upcycled/recycled things. Some will be sold on ebay, and some on consignment. But I'm going to get the monkey off my back by hook or crook.

I thought having lots of things to choose from when it came to my wardrobe would be lots of fun. But I've discovered it's really a pain in the neck. Oh well, live and learn.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard to get it right. I was reared in a home in an area without children to play with. My mother and father never had people over for a visit. I also never saw my mother clean. Presumably it was done after I was in bed because she did stay up quite late. However there wasn't much cleaning done. I don't remember seeing it. We didn't do much together. Just a little bit of shopping when I was older. I didn't go to get groceries with her. I didn't do much cooking with her. Actually once or twice is all.

I didn't learn things I needed to know. Like what to wear to a school event. (She rarely came to one.) Or what needed to be cleaned and how often and how and when. I realize that I sound really stupid because I still don't know much about it. I can do the things I have been taught to do but I am still learning. And sometimes I feel like blowing up about things I don't know. But at least an old dog can learn new tricks.

One new trick I'm working on this week is getting the dirt and streaks off my windows and mirrors. Now doesn't that sound exciting? Thank goodness for paper towels.

So why try?

I have spent years thinking I knew what other people thought when they look at me. Know the feeling? Well, I have lately examined what I think of other people when I look at them. It scared the pickles out of me. No wonder I have felt judged sometimes. I am way too judgemental sometimes.
And most people don't really look at me. Or make an opinion of me. And if they did, I would be unlikely to know about it.

Wasting my time. Worrying about what others think. When the real problem isn't others but me and what I think. OK I think I need to change it.

One of the ways I wish to think about myself is that I am kind. And that I am loving. That is on my list of things that matter to me that I am satisfied with. I'd also like to be considered a success. And there is a rub for today. Successful at what? Working.........

Guilty

All of my life, (at least the part I remember), I have felt guilty. I was not a good enough student. Not   a good enough daughter, wife, mother, person. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fashionable enough. Not knowledgeable enough of current mores and morals. Not religious enough, not deep enough, not loving enough. See a pattern here?

Some of the not enoughs came from those I loved and looked up to. I handled those by telling myself it was my lack, my fault, my shortcoming. Others came from the outside in via my own judgement. I needed to have lots of things. I needed to have a look. A style. And I really needed to have all of the must-haves in the magazines and on TV. I am really good at self-deprecation. One thing I have enough of. After focusing on everything but reality about me, I'm trying to come to terms with my enemy---ME.

Love to all. Judy

Mind over matter

Didn't take driver's ed. Dad taught me on a 3 on the column stick shift in a rattletrap. But I learned. And by wrecking my mom's car I also learned not to stare at or look for boys while driving. I should have had a clue but I didn't.

I have been trying to discern what is real and what is not in the last few months. Since  Nov. The news is not the problem. I think I have a handle on that. I mean ideas like---having a lot of something will make me feel good. Or---vacuuming and dusting makes the house clean. Or eating something to fill the space inside is enough to satisfy.

I have returned from a visit with family that has truly opened my eyes. First I found that what I have been doing is impeding my growth as a person,(except for my girth). I was unable to function in the environment I entered. Too tired too easily. Too sore too quickly. Too hot. Just too hot. I had thought I was doing well until I tried to walk a ways. I have a bad back and bad knees so I've not exercised. And I seem to be tired so I rest a lot. Not working. You cannot save up energy to use later. (still learning new/old/should have known.) So I come home and guess what. I am now seeing why I have been tired. I get bored. Really bored. And depressed. And tired and bored and depressed. I used to deal with depression by planning a fun activity. Quit doing that a long time ago.

Another thing I have found is that my diet is that of a barely functioning 2 year old. I put what I can reach without work into my mouth. Cooking? Hey, 2 year olds don't cook. So I have dropped the monster energy drinks and added good foods to my diet. Now I'm not quite so tired.

There are other things I am mulling over. And I would like to do a revamp of many of my beliefs about health that I have clung to for many years. It's about time.

Till next time. Judy