The habits of a lifetime

I have been trying to deal with the changes that have occurred since the surgery and failing. I'll have to say that sometimes I get the giggles when I try on clothes that used to fit and now hang on me. But I am not doing well on changing habits. Some of them are like addictions I suppose. I have rarely used a recipe as is for cooking. I have never been a meal planner.(just imagine the money I'd still have if I were). Exercise makes me sweat. Sweating makes me angry. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and that includes to make a list.(many times I have made a grocery list and forgotten to take it) I have never been able to keep my emotions on an even keel from one day to the next. I have never been successful on a diet( I wonder why!) I am easily distracted.

One thing I have not been able to distract myself from is a feeling of not good enough. Unworthiness. Being unlovable. I get up in the morning with the wonderful feeling that I can do things. Then by noon, that feeling is gone and I'm trying to work through the feelings that lead to self-sabotage. Thoughts like, I can eat that. What does it matter? Well, it matters. I just think I should put up signs all over the house that tell me to remember what I'm trying to do here. Big signs. And I need to find my true strength.

When I was a child, I lived in fear of disappointing my mother. It got pretty ugly when that happened. I finally went with the "I can't fail if I don't try" thought. And it's been with me ever since. Then in marriage I feared disappointing my husband, and losing the marriage. Again, failure was easy in that relationship where most, if not all, that I did was unacceptable. Passive aggression and not trying stuck with me all 25 years of that relationship. Till the ultimate failure- divorce. I simply wasn't good enough. And I think I've been trying to prove him and my mother right ever since. By internal put-downs. By refusing to take care of myself because I don't deserve it. So I had surgery to help me along. And now I need to follow through. For the first time in my life, I need to do it for me. I can't quit now. So I'll keep trying to change the habits of a lifetime.

Boy I sure didn't expect this.

So I had the surgery in February. And at first everything went great. And I was really pleased. But after a while the same things as before the surgery happened. I'm down 50 pounds and stuck there. And I've found that my emotions are all over the place. My body doesn't work like it did. My mind and emotions don't behave the same way. Things I loved before, I don't even like now. Things I thought I'd conquered are back in a big way. For instance, did you know they make mini ice cream sandwiches. And I thought it would be a good treat. And it would if I could eat just one. But my demon was not removed when I had the surgery. I go from feeling great to self-destruct in an instant. And no, I'm not manic-depressive or bipolar. Just reacting to a lifetime of messages that sadly can't be cut out.

I've put off making a commitment to go to a therapist. But when I go to the doctor this time, I'm going to try to get a referral. At least a couple of times a month would help. I think.

Meanwhile I'm trying to motivate some changes again. I get a handle on things then it slips and more slips till I'm sliding. I used to think I handle change well. Not so much.

Black?

 I'm not sure. Too much or too little in both pics? I'm not sure.

Mistakes?

Men's shoes. Short pants. Skinny legs. Not a good combo.

Oversized rugs.

A childish look and even a child would look odd wearing it.

Fancy dress, ratty sweater. Mixed? UM NO

Let's tie one on.

Changes

I'm certain that I'm the same person I was a couple of months ago. But then again, maybe not. I know I look better in my clothes. I know I feel better and more able to do things. And I know that I'm not so willing to put up with bullshit anymore. Things that made me feel bad about me are starting to make me angry. Things that I took on as my fault are no longer my fault. I saw that the reason for my unhappiness was my weight and feeling ugly. OK. I still have a lot to lose and I'm very anxious about that but guess what---- I am getting more able to look at the things that hurt me as being the things I can give less importance to. This is an unexpected result of the surgery.

I looked back on the last 25 years in photos. I've been fat for many years. I've fooled myself into thinking that I was smaller than I really was. I'm not proud of that. It's a reality. So even the clothes I had grown out of are going to be too big. I'm aware that I wouldn't allow pictures to be taken of me. I felt like a big clown. My sig other seems to think that everything bad that happened yesterday and before is to be forgotten and never looked at again. Of course that includes whatever I'm mad about at the time. But I'm not good at letting go of hurts. I try not to dwell on them but they are there in my memory banks and they come up. My years of not being comfortable with my body are there and can't be ignored no matter what. If I forget them, I'm afraid I'll not be able to follow through on the plan for the next years.

I'm dealing, and not very well, with habit, boredom, and head hunger. I'm going to need to go to a therapist if I can't get a handle on the problem. I'm also dealing with a lot of change. Confusion about me and where I am in life and what I should be doing. Fear of failing at the weight loss. Again. Problems with staying focused. I'm easily distracted so focus is a real and present problem.

I'm planning a trip to see my children in Jacksonville. I haven't seen them in a very very long time. I'm jealous of my ex and his ability to travel to see them whenever he wants. I would love to have the money to do that. But I don't. There are other reasons that travel is a problem for me and I'm just going to have to do what I can to fix that. I need to be with them right now but I can't go just yet.

Been cleaning out the junk and even the good stuff in the house. I have 3 bedrooms upstairs that are unused. They were full of junk. And things I thought I would sell. I haven't sold them in the 4 years I've been thinking about it so they went/are going to charity. I really believe that getting rid of some of the stuff I've been hoarding will help me clear my mind. And take a weight off my shoulders. And help me to continue to lose pounds. Damn but it's hard work filling those black garbage bags and carrying them down the stairs to go to the dump or to charity. I thought I'd be happier about it. But I'm also realizing how much money I spent trying to make myself feel better about myself.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and feelings. As is obvious. I'm glad I can use this blog to vent and I hope anyone reading doesn't get too turned off.

More and more

Hello and Happy Easter. Today I'm going to eat dinner at the home of my Honey's Mom. She is fixing soft veggies for me and I'll be eating something I'm not used to so I'm really looking forward to it. I want to talk a little about focus.

I've joked that I have ADD. I have never been diagnosed but I have a lack of focus a lot of the time. I've always been easily distracted. I have a crappy memory and often forget what I'm supposed to be doing. In order to use the weight loss surgery to the best advantage I'm going to have to do better. I'm finding old habits of night eating coming back. I'm eating too much and too often, with no thought going into it. I have head hunger. Habit hunger. And I've been told to get me to a therapist. That is something I really don't want to do. I spent three and a half years in therapy. It's really hard to break in a new therapist. I keep hoping to find new ways to deal with the problems. Before I go to a therapist I'm going to try setting eating and snack times and posting them in the kitchen. I also forget meds and can use the same system. It's like training a 2 year old only I'm the toddler. Old dog plus new tricks equals improved systems. I hope.

The Latest

It's been about 6 weeks since my weight loss surgery. I've lost weight but now I wonder if I haven't traded being fat and mad at myself for being slow to lose and mad at myself. I went to a support group meeting and there were people there who had surgery on the same day as me and they had lost more. I was totally disheartened. I totally forgot about the fact that weight loss depends on other factors than just what is eaten.

I have been reading a book about how to have a fuller life. It suggests serendipity listing. For example: instead of focusing on my feelings of failure, I could write down that my neck is a lot smaller and some necklaces I couldn't wear now fit. Rings are fitting and may be getting too big. I've been able to get into things I couldn't wear and my old clothes are now getting way too big. I'm walking all of the way around a grocery store without needing to sit down. Most of the time I make it through the day without a nap.

I've been going through my closet and a couple of other things and I took 9 large bags of things to a thrift store this morning. I truly think that the people who see a lot of these things will be getting a big bargain. But from here on out I'll try to sell some things, mainly clothes and jewelry. I will probably need some new clothes and it would be nice to have the money.

One thing that has occurred is that I now need to get some more things done in the house. Painting and cleaning, sewing and crafting. I took the wallpaper down in the kitchen and other rooms and never finished the job. Got a bad back and fat. It certainly slowed me down and gave me an excuse to not finish. Well there is another excuse. The paper under the plastic of the wallpaper won't come off for me. Unbelievable. So I'm going to hire painting and wall prep, etc. I suppose now that I'm beginning to look better, I want my surroundings to help keep me feeling good. I know that if the house is a wreck I'm depressed and that doesn't help the health situation. I also know that the clutter is a hindrance to cleaning. Since I perceive my style to be simple bohemian I'm focusing on the simple right now. I had so many tops in my closet I couldn't see them all and there were tons of them that didn't fit or that I wouldn't wear. I also bought a lot of clothes to make myself feel better. And some of them were big mistakes. I'm going to ebay them.

I'm supposed to be eating pureed foods now. I can't say enough about how much I'm ready to say goodbye to that. But I have developed a fondness for tuna. With a bit of mayo and sweet relish. And I'm going to be forever grateful to fat free cottage cheese. I feel almost like I'm eating real food. As is my habit I've ordered several books with recipes even though I've rarely followed a recipe ever. So I'm going to take the books on the surgery without recipes and see if anyone wants them at the next support group meeting. And I'm being really grateful for the fact that fish is easily mashed.

I'm looking forward to getting out of plus sizes. I still look at clothes on the internet. I don't know where I belong and I'm reluctant to buy. It's amazing that I didn't look more carefully before. I still have a large midsection and a lot of things for plus ladies have a waistline, which I lost a long time ago. Pull on stretch pants have been a saving grace for me. But now I'd sort of like to have a pair of jeans. I don't like the really low waisted jeans because I think they make a woman who isn't skinny look thick in the middle. But I'd like some jeans that don't look fat. That don't look like mom jeans. That don't have big legs but aren't so tight they wrinkle. And that don't have a camel toe. But they say patience is a virtue. And in the meantime I'll go to the Y a couple of days a week and try to do something about the belly.

I've heard people say their surgery didn't work. I've heard people say they are sorry they had the surgery. I cannot agree. I am no longer diabetic, and my sleep apnea has greatly improved. The daily irritations are really no more than I had getting older and being fat. The benefits are super. I can breathe. I can cross my legs. I'm able to get up off the floor without help. I'm pleased.

Is it getting old or diet or what?

Sometimes I'm amazed at how hungry I'm not. And sometimes I'm surprised at how hungry I am. Since the surgery I've been on liquids with a few sneaks here and there. I'm of the opinion that liquids don't do much to satisfy me no matter how much I take in. So I'm looking forward to the Dr. visit tomorrow so I can move on to pureed stuff. I assume they will teach me how to go about eating the pureed foods and will give me some idea as to what I can eat. Meanwhile I just look forward to the 3 month visit to start real food.

I am having a couple of problems. I've been sore. Muscle and joint sore. I am getting plenty of protein and not much exercise. So this problem could just be this old body being ticked off that I'm putting it through all of this. I suppose time will tell. I've only lost 25 pounds so far. I'm far too impatient. If I had lost 25 pounds without the surgery I'd think I moved the earth. Funny how that works.

Silence

Wonder why the very day you need a shoulder to lean on all hell breaks loose and you are left lacerated as if by a knife. I don't want to have to prove my strength over and over. I'm done.

How I am old

I'm a firm believer in starting over. But you have to start over from where you are. And I am working on the phase 1 of my bariatric diet. Liquid. And more liquid. And protein drinks. And more protein drinks. I am reminding myself of some of the things I have read. And forgotten. And every day I'm going to have to remind myself of how I got here. And start over.

One week

I am one week post surgery. I had the vertical sleeve gastrectomy last Monday. I'm amazed about some of the things I've learned. First, the surgery was much easier than I thought it would be. I was up and about and walking at the end of the first day and at the end of the second I had been taken off all IV's and was doing quite well. I received a trio of infusions of iron because I've been really anemic all my life and we need to fix it. I learned to give myself shots in my abdomen for breaking up any blood clots that appear. It turned out to be no big deal. I talked in my semi-sleep and didn't notice what was on TV. I've had to learn not to take big gulps of anything. I've had to learn not to scratch what itches if it's in the region of my stomach. And now the second week begins.

My honeybear went back to work today. He had taken a week off from work to take care of me. And he was wonderful. Except for a few small things. I'm not getting a break from the constant question "are you alright?" and I'm now getting up to do things myself. He fussed at me for not moving around enough and then wouldn't let me get up to get a glass of water. But it was nice to be so well cared for.

I hadn't lost any weight when I got home from the hospital and for a couple of days after. So I've decided to move my scale into the guest bath so I won't be tempted to beat myself up about it and I've decided to only weigh on Sunday morning. If I forget, the next week is soon enough. I've done years of self flagellation about things I don't do right. Enough is enough.

I was exhausted when I got up this morning and went to the grocery store right away because the weather is supposed to get bad and I needed a few things. When I got home I napped and I think I'm ready to move a bit. If anyone says weight loss surgery is the easy way out, they are nuts. It is a good tool to help get control of my body but the ultimate control is mental. Working on that.

I did it

Monday I had weight loss surgery. I am glad to report that I lived through it. I'm home since about noon yesterday. Sore, and not yet noticing things. I have found out that drinking too fast and too much was a problem. All my systems are go and I quickly am feeling better now in my own place. Just after the surgery one must be there all the time to write down intake, help to the bathroom, and generally watch over the patient. My lovely s-i-l sister stayed with me the first night and I"ll never be able to repay her kindness. The whole experience has been terrific so far. The hospital was Tennova and I've never been to a better hospital. Boy have I been lucky.

A Bad Day?

I wish I could have felt this way all of my life. And sometimes I wish I could know where my feelings and beliefs come from. I have wanted to be pretty all of my life. Somehow when I was young I got the feeling that I could only be OK if I were pretty. Not pretty in spite of something. Not you would be pretty if you weren't ....... Just pretty. I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed that. When I had daughters I asked my husband if I was as pretty as they were and he said no. Of course by then he didn't like anything about me. But he was right. They are both beautiful and I am still trying to be pretty.

Since I have gained so much weight, I have looked in the mirror every day and been truly disgusted by what I saw. Totally disgusted. I have a good relationship with my sig other and he says I'm pretty. I'm gratified to know that he thinks I'm pretty but I still don't. And sadly, my opinion of myself colors all aspects of my relationship with him and with everyone else. And, in an effort to feel better I've bought enough clothes and jewelry to outfit several women. I have so much of both that I can't keep up with them and stick to uniforms-wearing the same things all of the time.

With the weight loss surgery coming up I am wondering how the changes will affect my psyche. I would love to think that I'm prepared for the changes and I am spending a lot of time reading about and learning about the aftermath. I think one of my goals is just to feel comfortable in my body just once in my life. That would be nice.

Help Me!

Have you had days that the mirror scares you? Have you had days when you question decisions and activities and expenditures? You have? Well, that makes me feel better. I suppose I expected to be in better shape than I am. But I'm not so the Weight Loss Surgery is necessary. I know I expected more support. But sometimes you don't get what you ask for. So what do you do then? I'm trying to keep my chin up and my eyes on the prize. And crying. A Lot. 

It's a hoot

She's wearing a top that would probably fit me now. And I hope that I can do it like she did. The clothes I have- and that is a lot- will hopefully be that big on me in a year. After Feb 24 I'll begin a journey into the unknown. That being losing weight instead of gaining. Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the hospital and doctor's office learning more about the things I must do to make that happen. I have a couple of opinions about that.

One thing I am certain of is---- this is not an easy weight loss fix. There is no such thing as going to the doc and getting fixed. The surgeon gives out tools to used for weight loss. Surgery, diet, exercise, etc are needed. You notice that surgery is only one part of the equation. Without it the other parts haven't worked and with surgery only the problem of excess weight would still exist. So I've spent the last few months reading and learning. But the most important thing I have done is to visualize myself having an active old age. I do believe that is the thing I have wanted most in my life. An active and interesting life. And the surgery is one of the things that can help with that.

I've seen so much on the pinterest web site and on the blogs. I've always been drawn to boho and ethnic dressing. I have a ton of clothing for that purpose. It's hard to believe that I will shrink out of them within a month or two. So when I do post pics, maybe you can remember that a skinny model wore a top ten sizes too big. So I'm not alone.

It's coming

I spent from 8:00 AM to 11:00 AM at the hospital on a preoperative visit. I was talked to, signed a hundred forms(I know my name now), walked miles, was tested, paid money, and came home with almost an inch of paperwork that I need to read and organize, and a huge bag of supplements etc. I also found out I'll have to give myself shots. Boy am I looking forward to that! I met some really nice people. And I'm totally impressed with the way the hospital and Doctor's offices are run. It is Tennova hospital at Turkey Creek in Knoxville Tennessee. There were people there to guide me to every place I needed to go. And they were so nice. I'd be happy to have anything done there. And I'm confident that my experience will continue to be good. I think relaxing is probably helpful when the surgery comes up.

I've been having more trouble getting around. More pain. I'm just grateful that I'm able to get around.

Ya never know

I know one thing to be true. That is, you never know what is going to happen. The Boy Scout motto is Be Prepared. But we're talking about boys. If you are an older woman, prepared isn't possible. I'm just glad there is always tomorrow.

I ordered wood to have my floors done. It took 6 weeks to get wood. Then it wasn't what I ordered but I took it because I didn't want to have to wait another 6 weeks. That would put it after the weight loss surgery. And it was hard enough without being post op. So the time for the wood floor installation finally came. But someone hadn't ordered the transition pieces to go between the rooms. More money out and a wait to have it done. And they forgot to do the quarter round around the fireplace. Again, more things still to be done. So what happened next. I had lost a crown and needed to have a tooth pulled. I was sent to an oral surgeon. Last Friday I had the tooth cut out and a bump taken off my lip. The same week I had the wood floor put down. And then Saturday morning the computer came home. Where it belongs. Fixed. And my honey bear is finally settling down some. He's a gamer and was totally unhappy about the 4 weeks he couldn't play. I think it may be worse than having the flu. Men are such babies when something goes wrong.

Since I couldn't get out much last week, I have a lot of errands to run this week. And the high temp for today will be 23 with wind making it feel like 10. The truck hates this weather. It becomes like a carnival ride with knocks, pings, bounces, and seizes. What fun this is going to be.

By the way, I have also discovered that it really is possible to predict the weather by knee joints and back pains. Am I good or what?

I did something weird the other day. I happened to catch the cooking show of Paula Deen's son. I watched while he did fish and chips. I loved the way the fish turned out so I tried it the next day. It rocked. He cut the Cod into fingers, made a batter of beer and flour, used canola oil to cut down on burning. He didn't use a lot of oil and the fish wasn't greasy. We both loved it and I will definitely do it again. I'm looking for good recipes for fish to use after the surgery. Given that the fish was lightly breaded(and I mean very lightly) and pan seared, it will be one of my go to recipes. I'm not usually a recipe follower so this was really odd for me. And good.

I'm sending out best wishes and loving thoughts to all of those who have to deal with the latest cold and snowy weather. I hope the winter blast this time is kinder than the last one and that no lives are lost.

Computer Blues

My regular computer  that I have my pics on is getting a brand new Mother-board. A motherboard to make it work. So the computer won't be back till next week.

There has been some progress since my last post. I'm approved by the insurance company for the bariatric surgery and it is scheduled for Feb 24. I am both excited and nervous. I feel excited and scared. As soon as the other computer is up and going I'll post more. I have tons more to say.