This is a new day

I have several things to say: some good, some bad.

I hate hot weather. It's in the mid 90's here and very humid. I only go outside when I need to do something. We broke a record yesterday here. I don't think I can celebrate a broken record. My sig other works as a welder. There is no air conditioning where he works and when you weld you can't use a fan. He usually likes warm weather. Not this though. Working in a place that is already 100 degrees inside (metal roof) and adding humidity and the heat from welding is awful. He comes home totally exhausted. I know I am exhausted when I go get in the car.

I have ordered fabric from a supplier that uses Fed Ex Smart Post. I have a PO Box. No mail delivery at home. This is the 3rd time my package has been lost by Fed Ex Smart Post. The first 2 times cost me sixty dollars and I had no recourse. Smart post isn't very smart and I am asking all vendors not to use it.

I have been concerned for some time about my tendency to want to keep up with the celebs and their lifestyle. I purchased a purse once for $210 that was seen in a celeb magazine. I carried it once. I had been thinking that having it made me special because a celeb carried it. It didn't. First, no one else knew the celeb carried it. I got no compliments or even interest. And it is heavy and really not my style. I've been trying to make myself into someone I am not again. Into someone I don't even want to be. I bought knock off bags. I bought lots of cool looking bags. I have bought jewelry because it is like something a favorite celeb wore. I have never worn it. When I think about the money I have spent trying to make myself into something else I want to cry. When I think of the time I have spent reading ragmags I want to cry. This is my life and I am trying to change it to look like someone else's. I am not going to purchase any more rag mags. And any I get through the mail I am going to change the address on so my daughter or someone else gets it. I have not been made happier by the obsession. It stops now.

On a morning news show there was a woman who wrote a book called Think. She had asked several young women which town was nearly destroyed by the recent tornadoes. One got the state right. Several others didn't have any idea. But they knew the names of the Kardashian sisters. I want to look good. I like fashion. I also know there are many other things in the world that don't have anything to do with fashion but are worthwhile topics of interest.  I have spent time trying to make myself better with fashion and ignored my mind which is not so bad. I cannot prove my worth. To myself or to anyone else. Fashion won't do it for me. Being on top of the latest news won't do it for me. Being pretty  won't do it. Spending money won't do it. I am not willing to give myself over to trends any more. I want to be myself and not be a pale copy of someone else. I'm not sure how to do it. I've spent many years thinking myself is not good enough. The struggle begins.

Have you ever seen someone who seems comfortable in their own skin? They are laid back, smile easily, are interested in a lot of things, and learn how to let go when they are injured. They are not always trying to do to be to have. They enjoy what is. That is where I hope to go.

The two pics above show me smiling. Sort of. I am a quiet, sedentary, almost hermitlike person. I love to get out and see people sometimes. But home, to me, is a refuge from problems. I have had trust issues all my life and I won't go into why. I am not ever going to get past some of the emotional and psychological scars if I haven't by now. I smiled because Ofelia said to. And Ofelia is comfortable in her own skin. From now on I am going to pay more attention to the writeups that accompany blog photos and try to develop my peace in myself and not just inside the walls of my house. I am not going to stop blogging or to stop taking pics. Those things are fun to do. But I may stop trying to keep up with the rest of the world and be myself if I can find me.