My voice

My voice is calling me to action. HUH? I can't hear you! 

I have taken my time on this issue. At least 60 years. And I am now doing a few baby steps. Cleaning out my closet has helped me. The old "does it fit, does it go on?" is gone. I'm getting rid of things I thought I needed just because they would cover my body. And I haven't bought any new things in several months. My daughter (1 of 2) has pared down so much but I'm still in love with the thought of having a lot of choices when I get dressed, especially if there is a pile up of laundry. You see, I have lost almost 60 pounds and only have 50 to go. So what I'm keeping will need to be altered at some point. Thank goodness I can sew.

My voice is telling me to get up and do some stuff. Sadly my butt is saying "Not now" so I'm sitting at the computer looking to find some other people who have dis-ease in their bodies. After having had the flu for almost 3 weeks, my butt is speaking louder than the inner cleaner. And the longer I wait the more there is to do.

It's got to stop now.

All of my life I have looked outside myself to get props, feedback, love, and kindness. But one thing I have learned is that I am still having to look. So I've decided to forgive myself for not living up to my inflated judgements and just be OK. I don't want to keep up with Kardashians, and I don't want to vote for morons who are in a certain party, and I don't want to eat certain things and abstain from others just because the latest guru says so. I don't want someone to try and guilt trip me into going to a certain church, or look down their nose at me when I'm wearing thrift or Old Navy. I don't want the only things available for me to do to be shop, go see the latest flick, eat at the latest restaurant, while wearing clothes that are ratty, too tight, heels too high, makeup that makes me look like a clown, etc.

No one is looking at me but me. I know because I have been staying at home a lot. But the biggest cruel comments are coming from inside my head. I will elaborate further soon. Right now I'm back to trying to get over this damned flu. Have a lovely Sunday.

In the eye of the beholder

I am a dog lover. I am an animal lover and I love good people too. I guess the only thing I don't love is me.

There are so many ways to learn self confidence. And there are tons of ways to lose it. Messages are everywhere. I have seen on TV that you must have a REVENGE body. But revenge against what or who? If you get your body in a shape that is pleasing to you, it's not revenge; it's a gift to yourself. If you want to look different or feel different there is no revenge to it. It is just a change. The biggest thing to think of is that you are satisfied with the change.

I am a mother. I modeled poor behavior for my children by the way I treated them and by how I treated me. After a long and mostly loveless marriage I broke. I literally looked for love in all the wrong places. My children loved me. I didn't see it. Why? because I didn't love me. I didn't even like me. Messages are interesting. Mom didn't let me wash dished because she was afraid I would break a dish. Message sent===you are incompetent. Husband wanted to spend all of his time away from work with his buddies. Message sent===you are boring. Children wanted to spend time away from home. Message sent===you aren't a good mother. You get the picture. I interpreted things in a negative way about me. And I was dead wrong. I could have thought of the time he was out with his friends as a great time for me to do something interesting. Nope!!! I saw it as a time for me to fret about my shortcomings.

I think I have learned to let go of the need for constant kudos. I think.

Soon!!!

Peace

Tuesday I saw hope. I saw a possible improvement of the political landscape. I've been depressed for a year. but with luck things will get better.

Mindful?

I've drifted. And drifted. Because I have a decent amount of intelligence, I tried to do things in my life without planning. Without goals. And I drifted. If this rings a bell, I heartily suggest that anyone who wants a good quality of life tries not to drift. I don't remember ever feeling like I'm done, I'm satisfied, I'm comfortable. Instead I have always been scared. Scared of the things that might happen. Scared of the things that might not happen. And just plain scared.

I think if I had planned, paid attention, and not drifted, I wouldn't have as much to be scared of. I'd know that I had the right outfit for my child's play. I'd know I had paid the bills. I'd know how much money I had left. I'd know what's for supper tonight and maybe tomorrow night and how much I had paid for it. I'd have the dusting done, the floors clean, the laundry sorted and ready. Because I had been paying attention. There is a trend to mindfulness. Seriously, this should not be a trend. It should not be the latest thing. Mindfulness is simply paying attention. If you don't know how to balance a checkbook or account, instead of being overwhelmed by that, you ask for help. Then once you learn there is one less thing to worry about.

I have been collecting clothes that make me feel less overweight. But what is the problem? The weight. And when I sit down and think, really think, I am aware that I'm doing the wrong thing to solve the problem. I wasn't even admitting I had the problem. Denial.

I have collected items that are meant to make me more spiritual. It never occurred to me that I could become more spiritual without buying items. Including self help books.

So, to me, mindfulness isn't the trend. It's simply paying attention to what is important. And working on it.

Now I have some work to do.

Not interested

I have actually finally acknowledged that I'm not interested in being like others and I'm OK with that. I have a collection of purses, which I'm going to sell, and a wardrobe full of clothes I thought were going to make me feel stylish. I have many many statement necklaces. I go so few places I have several that I've never worn. All of these things I spent money on with the hope I would finally feel stylish and like others I have seen. Mostly on TV or the computer. The acquisition of these things has become a burden. I don't want to change purses every time I go out. I don't want to spend a lot of time in my closet digging out presumed stylish things to wear when I go out. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF I have.

I thought that if I read books and discovered my signature style things would get easier. Boy was I wrong. I can't have a signature style because I get bored easily. Wearing similar stuff all of the time would bore me to tears. So I'm going to go with things that I really love, pieces that I can use many ways and things I feel good in. And that brings me to the next thing I have decided. I'm going to use the things I don't love to wear for other things. Some will be donations to charity. Some will be turned into upcycled/recycled things. Some will be sold on ebay, and some on consignment. But I'm going to get the monkey off my back by hook or crook.

I thought having lots of things to choose from when it came to my wardrobe would be lots of fun. But I've discovered it's really a pain in the neck. Oh well, live and learn.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard to get it right. I was reared in a home in an area without children to play with. My mother and father never had people over for a visit. I also never saw my mother clean. Presumably it was done after I was in bed because she did stay up quite late. However there wasn't much cleaning done. I don't remember seeing it. We didn't do much together. Just a little bit of shopping when I was older. I didn't go to get groceries with her. I didn't do much cooking with her. Actually once or twice is all.

I didn't learn things I needed to know. Like what to wear to a school event. (She rarely came to one.) Or what needed to be cleaned and how often and how and when. I realize that I sound really stupid because I still don't know much about it. I can do the things I have been taught to do but I am still learning. And sometimes I feel like blowing up about things I don't know. But at least an old dog can learn new tricks.

One new trick I'm working on this week is getting the dirt and streaks off my windows and mirrors. Now doesn't that sound exciting? Thank goodness for paper towels.

So why try?

I have spent years thinking I knew what other people thought when they look at me. Know the feeling? Well, I have lately examined what I think of other people when I look at them. It scared the pickles out of me. No wonder I have felt judged sometimes. I am way too judgemental sometimes.
And most people don't really look at me. Or make an opinion of me. And if they did, I would be unlikely to know about it.

Wasting my time. Worrying about what others think. When the real problem isn't others but me and what I think. OK I think I need to change it.

One of the ways I wish to think about myself is that I am kind. And that I am loving. That is on my list of things that matter to me that I am satisfied with. I'd also like to be considered a success. And there is a rub for today. Successful at what? Working.........

Guilty

All of my life, (at least the part I remember), I have felt guilty. I was not a good enough student. Not   a good enough daughter, wife, mother, person. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not fashionable enough. Not knowledgeable enough of current mores and morals. Not religious enough, not deep enough, not loving enough. See a pattern here?

Some of the not enoughs came from those I loved and looked up to. I handled those by telling myself it was my lack, my fault, my shortcoming. Others came from the outside in via my own judgement. I needed to have lots of things. I needed to have a look. A style. And I really needed to have all of the must-haves in the magazines and on TV. I am really good at self-deprecation. One thing I have enough of. After focusing on everything but reality about me, I'm trying to come to terms with my enemy---ME.

Love to all. Judy

Mind over matter

Didn't take driver's ed. Dad taught me on a 3 on the column stick shift in a rattletrap. But I learned. And by wrecking my mom's car I also learned not to stare at or look for boys while driving. I should have had a clue but I didn't.

I have been trying to discern what is real and what is not in the last few months. Since  Nov. The news is not the problem. I think I have a handle on that. I mean ideas like---having a lot of something will make me feel good. Or---vacuuming and dusting makes the house clean. Or eating something to fill the space inside is enough to satisfy.

I have returned from a visit with family that has truly opened my eyes. First I found that what I have been doing is impeding my growth as a person,(except for my girth). I was unable to function in the environment I entered. Too tired too easily. Too sore too quickly. Too hot. Just too hot. I had thought I was doing well until I tried to walk a ways. I have a bad back and bad knees so I've not exercised. And I seem to be tired so I rest a lot. Not working. You cannot save up energy to use later. (still learning new/old/should have known.) So I come home and guess what. I am now seeing why I have been tired. I get bored. Really bored. And depressed. And tired and bored and depressed. I used to deal with depression by planning a fun activity. Quit doing that a long time ago.

Another thing I have found is that my diet is that of a barely functioning 2 year old. I put what I can reach without work into my mouth. Cooking? Hey, 2 year olds don't cook. So I have dropped the monster energy drinks and added good foods to my diet. Now I'm not quite so tired.

There are other things I am mulling over. And I would like to do a revamp of many of my beliefs about health that I have clung to for many years. It's about time.

Till next time. Judy

Lost

For some reason my 2017 blogs have been lost. I guess I'll start again.