This has been a year! It seems like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Except the election. Anyway, I am prepared to use January 1, 2021 as a great time to start over. I will do two years in one. I'm 75 now and there aren't too many years left so I am starting early. Or late, or whatever.

There was a time

Nobody told me what it was like to grow old. Or even to grow up. I always believed in the goodness of people and that the love of family was important. I suppose that depends on your family. But, I have been disabused of that notion in spades. So now I don't worry about what I say or how I say it because the person I hoped to understand me has become persona non grata in my life. So I'll now devolve into the bitch I was always meant to be. 

Growing old doesn't happen in thoughts. I don't think any older than I ever have. Except with the comics. I now read Crankshaft(crotchety old dude) and understand completely. Otherwise no change. I like the same clothes. And I won't let my hair get gray. I would but my gray looks like mud. So I am again blonding. My body won't. It just won't. I heard that when you turn 40 everything hurts. At 75 I'm way past that. Goodness knows I try to get up without sounding like a mad cow. And I love to bend over. That swimmy head thing is a great high. For a short time. I also have begun to pee like a racehorse between the hours of 12 and 3 at night. I am having dreams of doing fun things like camping and having great trips. So aging is not helping. Then there is covid. Did you know that wearing a mask is hard for someone who is already short of breath? And I drool in the mask sometimes. God forbid that I cough in it. I would blow out the false teeth and hope the mask catches them. 

I also have read lots of articles on how to be stylish after 40, or 50, or 60. Vuitton, Max Mara, Gucci. That is the way to go. Of course, my way to go is Dollar General and Walmart. I am a firm believer that a 75 year old overweight woman needs to make up her own mind. I could try to wear skinny jeans. I giggle at the thought. And Dad sneakers are the ugliest things I have ever seen. I wear a size 10  shoe and I would feel like a clown in them. Jeans that only come up to the hips? I have seen them on overweight girls. OH MY!!!!

So this is my first take on aging. More to come.

I'm trying

I have spent the last 74 years wondering when I will feel at ease. At one with myself. At ease in my skin. And I have come up empty every time. I go to the what to wear after 50 and get angry. I look at the things they say an older person shouldn't wear and get angrier. And then I look at myself and I see that the things that are a no-no are not for me. I am not that person. My life does not include trips to the fancy restaurants. Nor does it have friends who love the latest fashion. While I do love handbags, I don't find the Chanel or Kors a need. Instead I love to find a bag that is me. And I love to find a look that does not need a special belt or hugely popular shoes to make me happy. I am actually very happy when I look in the mirror and see me, in my own persona. I have decided that I am not a typical older woman nor am I trying to be a typical younger woman. I love the look of long, wavy, gray hair. But my hair won't do that. I love the look of the fashionable younger woman with hip bones that show. Mine don't. I love the soft look of ruffles, and of florals and of quiet jewelry. But it isn't me. I am not able to carry those looks off. I live in a part of the country that is very consevative and as much as I would like to go with the artsy look, I find that I care entirely too much about the opinions of others. So, I've come to the conclusion that I must go with what I like and not worry too much about the opinions of others. If I look in the mirror and smile, that is it for the day. So there.

Still waiting

Waiting for a face mask. Waiting for warm weather. Waiting for this pandemic to be over so I can go outside. Waiting for people to become smart enough to do the social distancing. Waiting for the government to act properly. Waiting for an opportunity to wear my new keds out somewhere. Waiting for a relaxing visit to the grocery store. Or walmart. Or somewhere that isn't home.

I'm finding myself more and more reluctant to put on makeup, clothes, and to fix my hair, skin, nails. And more reluctant to control my eating. And more reluctant to even go outside. This sux

Waiting

I've been waiting to take a picture to post. I've been waiting to lose weight to take a picture. I've been waiting to get better at putting on makeup to take a picture. I've been waiting for a clean house to take a picture in. I'm 74 and soon to be 75. Waiting is getting to be a problem. So I'll try to post even in spite of waiting. Oh, and now the virus is making me think I'd better not wait.

It is amazing

It is amazing how a day can go from fine to fucked in an instant.

New......!!!!!

I am trying to come back from utter failure of faith. I am in a wonderful relationship and I am reasonably healthy. So why the fear, FEAR, of failure? I am fighting off the idea that although I love to make things and paint and sew, no one will want my creations. I am, unfortunately, in need of money to ease the cost of retirement. I know I can create. But can I create things that other people will want? I have stayed away from the blog because of fear. I can't say anything anyone wants to hear. I have seen so many wonderful things made by others and I can't imagine doing better work than is already being done. But I shall try to make others understand where my thoughts affect my jewelry creations. And I will trust anyone who still follows my blog to tell me when I mess up.

New pic coming soon

I am pissed. I am 72 years old with a 47 year old boy friend. He is the light of my life after 29 years of togetherness. Now I find that he is not telling others that I am his girlfriend. Afraid of being made fun of. pissed off. Now. Really.

Older, and older.

I'm here to recommend a new timetable for being old. I'm 72 and I'm going to get a little dirty now.

I still like sex.

I still have sex.

I still look at men if they are my sort of handsome.

I still want to feel sexy.

I still want to be intimate with my love of 29 years.

He is a lot younger than I.

I feel lucky to have a really loving relationship.

I have noticed that in some ways my feelings are the same as when I was 15.

If anyone has wondered about old, I suppose this answers one of the questions for some.

Recently discovered

I have recently discovered that there is not a damn thing wrong with me. I can tell by the minion that there are other people who love naps. Ergo-----I'm normal.

I have also discovered that the worst days can get better. Lots of times I over think the bad stuff. I have read that we should think of things we are grateful for in bad times. But, I'm prone to depression. I don't do well with the gratitude thing when I'm really depressed. The only thing that seems to help is time. Time being hugged by my honey. Time actually accomplishing something. Time spent in my closet making it neater. Time spent outside just breathing. Time talking to a friend or my kids. Time planning something good. Oh, and good food.

I'm working on finding a sure fire method of ridding myself of depression. I'll take any help you can give me.

Lie after lie

Someone says something. It sounds good. And it's just what you would like to see. And it's a reason to be happy. Or is it? Maybe it is just someone saying something to agree with you. Or it is something to get you off their back. Or it is something they believe at the time. But then, reality creeps in and you begin to understand that it is just words. There is no passion behind the words. They sound good so they are said but it is just words.

In the world I live in words can hurt. Maybe others are immune to words. Maybe others are better able to understand when they are just words and don't mean anything. And the words can make a moment better. Or not. How often have you made a promise to do something and when the time came to follow through it didn't seem like such a good idea? How often have you believed it when someone said or promised  something good and then didn't follow through? Or even worse, became angry when the promise was brought up?

I find myself listening to the political arena and hearing lie after lie after lie from those who are tasked with governing the country. I find myself looking at mags like the Enquirer and seeing lie after lie published as if they were the truth. I see on TV that lie after lie is more and more prevalent. Is there a time for change? A time to go back to the basic rightness of things? I despair.

Brain now working

It is hard to describe how depressing the current political scene is to me. I have decided to take a new tack on the subject. First, what can I do to make things better? One thing that comes to mind is to support those out there working for change from the current abuse of the media and the power of government.

Second, I can vote. But I will only vote for those who actually care about the so-called little guy. Like me and many seniors.

Third I can keep myself as healthy as possible in order to have the energy to cope with the depression caused by this White House.

Last, I can say my piece. And I have.

Also as an attempt to fight depression, I am beginning to make my surroundings more comfortable. For instance, I enjoy pretty lighting and I have some. But it is usually off because my sig other doesn't enjoy it like I do. But he's at work. So there. In the winter months I need it because of the gray weather that is often outside my windows.

I am declogging. There is too much stuff in my house. Way too much. Do you realize you have to dust and clean that stuff. So cleaning includes lots of donations to the dump and to thrift. And it includes having less stuff to clean.

I have decided that alcohol is a depressant and a glass of wine just clings to my butt so out it goes.

I am a procrastinator par excellence. Witness how long it has taken to blog. Anyway, today I am beginning a budget. That is if I can figure out how. My immediate goal is to pay off the terrible debt I have so sleep comes easier.

I am leaving home. Literally. I am a hermit. A stay at homer. And I am not doing myself any favors by not partaking of the wonderful things outside my walls. Since I am a loner and don't have a church(just not me) or senior center I attend(that's an option) just getting out will widen my intake of ideas and hopefully help me to grow and relax.

I am on Pinterest and I have learned so much. But I have so many things that I have saved and not read that I am instituting a "read one a day" rule on my computer use.

I hope to have more fabulous Ideas. Now that my brain is working(post Holiday sadness).

I love all of you who take the time to read my ramblings. Thanks.

My voice

My voice is calling me to action. HUH? I can't hear you! 

I have taken my time on this issue. At least 60 years. And I am now doing a few baby steps. Cleaning out my closet has helped me. The old "does it fit, does it go on?" is gone. I'm getting rid of things I thought I needed just because they would cover my body. And I haven't bought any new things in several months. My daughter (1 of 2) has pared down so much but I'm still in love with the thought of having a lot of choices when I get dressed, especially if there is a pile up of laundry. You see, I have lost almost 60 pounds and only have 50 to go. So what I'm keeping will need to be altered at some point. Thank goodness I can sew.

My voice is telling me to get up and do some stuff. Sadly my butt is saying "Not now" so I'm sitting at the computer looking to find some other people who have dis-ease in their bodies. After having had the flu for almost 3 weeks, my butt is speaking louder than the inner cleaner. And the longer I wait the more there is to do.

It's got to stop now.

All of my life I have looked outside myself to get props, feedback, love, and kindness. But one thing I have learned is that I am still having to look. So I've decided to forgive myself for not living up to my inflated judgements and just be OK. I don't want to keep up with Kardashians, and I don't want to vote for morons who are in a certain party, and I don't want to eat certain things and abstain from others just because the latest guru says so. I don't want someone to try and guilt trip me into going to a certain church, or look down their nose at me when I'm wearing thrift or Old Navy. I don't want the only things available for me to do to be shop, go see the latest flick, eat at the latest restaurant, while wearing clothes that are ratty, too tight, heels too high, makeup that makes me look like a clown, etc.

No one is looking at me but me. I know because I have been staying at home a lot. But the biggest cruel comments are coming from inside my head. I will elaborate further soon. Right now I'm back to trying to get over this damned flu. Have a lovely Sunday.

In the eye of the beholder

I am a dog lover. I am an animal lover and I love good people too. I guess the only thing I don't love is me.

There are so many ways to learn self confidence. And there are tons of ways to lose it. Messages are everywhere. I have seen on TV that you must have a REVENGE body. But revenge against what or who? If you get your body in a shape that is pleasing to you, it's not revenge; it's a gift to yourself. If you want to look different or feel different there is no revenge to it. It is just a change. The biggest thing to think of is that you are satisfied with the change.

I am a mother. I modeled poor behavior for my children by the way I treated them and by how I treated me. After a long and mostly loveless marriage I broke. I literally looked for love in all the wrong places. My children loved me. I didn't see it. Why? because I didn't love me. I didn't even like me. Messages are interesting. Mom didn't let me wash dished because she was afraid I would break a dish. Message sent===you are incompetent. Husband wanted to spend all of his time away from work with his buddies. Message sent===you are boring. Children wanted to spend time away from home. Message sent===you aren't a good mother. You get the picture. I interpreted things in a negative way about me. And I was dead wrong. I could have thought of the time he was out with his friends as a great time for me to do something interesting. Nope!!! I saw it as a time for me to fret about my shortcomings.

I think I have learned to let go of the need for constant kudos. I think.

Soon!!!

Peace

Tuesday I saw hope. I saw a possible improvement of the political landscape. I've been depressed for a year. but with luck things will get better.

Mindful?

I've drifted. And drifted. Because I have a decent amount of intelligence, I tried to do things in my life without planning. Without goals. And I drifted. If this rings a bell, I heartily suggest that anyone who wants a good quality of life tries not to drift. I don't remember ever feeling like I'm done, I'm satisfied, I'm comfortable. Instead I have always been scared. Scared of the things that might happen. Scared of the things that might not happen. And just plain scared.

I think if I had planned, paid attention, and not drifted, I wouldn't have as much to be scared of. I'd know that I had the right outfit for my child's play. I'd know I had paid the bills. I'd know how much money I had left. I'd know what's for supper tonight and maybe tomorrow night and how much I had paid for it. I'd have the dusting done, the floors clean, the laundry sorted and ready. Because I had been paying attention. There is a trend to mindfulness. Seriously, this should not be a trend. It should not be the latest thing. Mindfulness is simply paying attention. If you don't know how to balance a checkbook or account, instead of being overwhelmed by that, you ask for help. Then once you learn there is one less thing to worry about.

I have been collecting clothes that make me feel less overweight. But what is the problem? The weight. And when I sit down and think, really think, I am aware that I'm doing the wrong thing to solve the problem. I wasn't even admitting I had the problem. Denial.

I have collected items that are meant to make me more spiritual. It never occurred to me that I could become more spiritual without buying items. Including self help books.

So, to me, mindfulness isn't the trend. It's simply paying attention to what is important. And working on it.

Now I have some work to do.

Not interested

I have actually finally acknowledged that I'm not interested in being like others and I'm OK with that. I have a collection of purses, which I'm going to sell, and a wardrobe full of clothes I thought were going to make me feel stylish. I have many many statement necklaces. I go so few places I have several that I've never worn. All of these things I spent money on with the hope I would finally feel stylish and like others I have seen. Mostly on TV or the computer. The acquisition of these things has become a burden. I don't want to change purses every time I go out. I don't want to spend a lot of time in my closet digging out presumed stylish things to wear when I go out. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of STUFF I have.

I thought that if I read books and discovered my signature style things would get easier. Boy was I wrong. I can't have a signature style because I get bored easily. Wearing similar stuff all of the time would bore me to tears. So I'm going to go with things that I really love, pieces that I can use many ways and things I feel good in. And that brings me to the next thing I have decided. I'm going to use the things I don't love to wear for other things. Some will be donations to charity. Some will be turned into upcycled/recycled things. Some will be sold on ebay, and some on consignment. But I'm going to get the monkey off my back by hook or crook.

I thought having lots of things to choose from when it came to my wardrobe would be lots of fun. But I've discovered it's really a pain in the neck. Oh well, live and learn.

Sometimes

Sometimes it's hard to get it right. I was reared in a home in an area without children to play with. My mother and father never had people over for a visit. I also never saw my mother clean. Presumably it was done after I was in bed because she did stay up quite late. However there wasn't much cleaning done. I don't remember seeing it. We didn't do much together. Just a little bit of shopping when I was older. I didn't go to get groceries with her. I didn't do much cooking with her. Actually once or twice is all.

I didn't learn things I needed to know. Like what to wear to a school event. (She rarely came to one.) Or what needed to be cleaned and how often and how and when. I realize that I sound really stupid because I still don't know much about it. I can do the things I have been taught to do but I am still learning. And sometimes I feel like blowing up about things I don't know. But at least an old dog can learn new tricks.

One new trick I'm working on this week is getting the dirt and streaks off my windows and mirrors. Now doesn't that sound exciting? Thank goodness for paper towels.

So why try?

I have spent years thinking I knew what other people thought when they look at me. Know the feeling? Well, I have lately examined what I think of other people when I look at them. It scared the pickles out of me. No wonder I have felt judged sometimes. I am way too judgemental sometimes.
And most people don't really look at me. Or make an opinion of me. And if they did, I would be unlikely to know about it.

Wasting my time. Worrying about what others think. When the real problem isn't others but me and what I think. OK I think I need to change it.

One of the ways I wish to think about myself is that I am kind. And that I am loving. That is on my list of things that matter to me that I am satisfied with. I'd also like to be considered a success. And there is a rub for today. Successful at what? Working.........