Not Participating

I'm frustrated. I got a call from the WLS surgeon's office and they said my insurance company would not approve the surgery I want because I am not on their rolls for next year. So I panicked. I had already received next year's insurance card and I didn't know what to think. Cancelled? Computer glitch? Just plain old bad luck? So I located the page the card came from and it said good Jan 1, 2014. Then I called the surgeon's office and they resubmitted the request. So again I'm waiting.

There are few things I hate more than waiting. So I've decided it's time to follow the program the Dr.'s office gave me. Going to the grocery store today and by Friday I'm going to be doing the heavy protein diet that will prepare my body. It looks like they are scheduling about 3 months out so I have time to get ready. I hope the approval will come soon.

I've been getting things from Zulily. They have some nice boho fashions and I love those. Kimonos are wonderful and feminine and to me, sexy. So I've ordered several things. I'm finding that it's easy to get hooked on buying clothes on the internet. It's so easy. But I did start with Zulily before I found out about the surgery possibility. Anyway, as with anything bought from the internet, sizing can be strange. So several things have come in too small. Not a lot too small. But they will be helpful as I lose pounds. As you can tell, I'm really counting on the approval from the insurance company.

Things make me crazy. I'm still waiting on the wood for my floor to come in. And I'm waiting for the approval from the insurance company. And I've been waiting for the setting of a surgery date. And I don't wait well. Meanwhile there are a lot of things I'm not doing. Like dieting, exercising, etc. In other words, not participating. It's time to have faith and get moving. Yes. That.

The Happening

I've been writing on one of my other blogs about my plan(depending on insurance approval) to get weight loss surgery. I'm also getting wood flooring in the downstairs part of the house. And I'm tickled pink about the floor.

I haven't been posting because I've been strung out. I hate waiting. Twice I've called the doctor and found out my paperwork had not been sent to the insurance company. I'd scream but I lose my voice when I scream. And I can't bitch if I lose my voice. And I'm really bitchy right now. The hair needs to be colored and I don't have the right color here. The rooms need to be cleaned out and a lot of stuff needs to be pitched. The rest needs to be relocated when the workmen come. The floor is something I'd like to  have done before the surgery. At this point I don't know what the scheduling for surgery is. In late October it was for January. And I'm wanting to do it sooner than March. Probably won't happen though.

I'm shocked at the number of things that must be done before and after the surgery. I've been doing a lot of reading about it and it is not just an operation. In order to be successful at it, my total lifestyle must change. Thank goodness. From sedentary and in pain, I'll be able to become active and in charge of my pain. But, I've never been good at planning meals ahead, etc. And now I'm faced with learning some new tricks before the operation. And I'm glad to have something to look forward to.

I had bought a bunch of new clothes. Then I found out I had an umbilical hernia. And I gained some weight. And I went to a surgeon to fix the hernia. And he said I should look into the WLS.(weight loss surgery) So I did. For some reason I didn't think I'd qualify. I suppose I thought a person must be a lot heavier than I am to get the surgery. Not so. Having diabetes, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, spinal stenosis, etc adds what are called co-morbidities. And I have them in spades. And the WLS is supposed to help with them. For the last year I've been laying on the sofa a lot and napping a lot and in pain a lot. I'm looking forward to handling those problems. I'm also fighting depression in a big way. I don't care how much medication you take, outside influences can increase feelings of depression. Like pain, and fat. And tight clothes. I'm really happy to have the opportunity to improve these things.

The holidays are here. I used to love Christmas and Thanksgiving. But now I hate them. It is rare that I get to see the children and grandchildren. Between the distance to them, and the shape of my body, I'm finding it difficult to visit them. And they are very rarely in my area. When I loved Christmas I was still married with 3 kids at home and hosting a meal for my Mom and my husband's parents. I loved cooking the traditional meals, putting up a super tree, getting exciting gifts for the kids, etc. But my sigother and I are alone at Christmas and he doesn't like it either. Too commercial for him. I had all of my gifts bought and sent by 12/10. Being an only child is really not fun for me as I get older. No family get togethers. And Fall ended my marriage, and both my parents died. I have trouble with getting jolly. But things are looking up. During the last year my former sister-in-law came back into my life with her husband. We've been getting together on a regular basis since and our last outing was truly wonderful. She and her husband have given me family I never had. We have decided to be sisters. And I'm loving it. So this year I'm happier at the holiday season than I have been in a long time. I think finding her back in my life has raised my spirit a lot. I actually bought some lights and a couple of ornaments for the mantle and I smile.

One good thing about the WLS is that I can sew. I know I need to lose at least 100 pounds. And that means that a lot of the clothes I have(maybe all) will not come close to fitting when I am done. And I've been looking at blogs of altered clothing for ideas to use when the time comes. It's been a coon's age since I last sewed but I think mostly it's like riding a bike.(which I don't do any more) I'll pick it back up easily. If not you'll hear me screaming around the world.

I hope things are going well for all my readers. And I hope to have news soon about a surgery date.

It's all from a book

I went through a book that was supposed to help me decide on my style. I finally came out with "simple bohemian". That is sort of like an oxymoron. When I look at bohemian there is nothing simple about it. It seems to stem from years of collecting, going your own way, looking to nature for form and color.

Now there are young women out there that dress in what is the current bohemian style. Another oxymoron. If you are a true bohemian, there cannot be one style. And if you are truly bohemian, you wouldn't be looking to someone else to define your style.

So I suppose I'm not truly bohemian. I love jewelry but hate being weighted down with too much of it. I love the boho patterns and colors but too much pattern and color
drives me up a wall. Hence simple bohemian. I have truly bohemian pieces in my home. As accessories. And some bright colors. Within limits. 

 Another problem I have with the boho thing is that most of the things I see are for skinny 20-somethings. Sure I wish I could wear some of the things I see. And I've found a few designers (real world clothing companies) that carry lovely pieces in larger sizes. By the way, there is a company called Free People. It should be called Very Expensive Boho Looks for Very Small People.

I would love to find more examples on the internet to get an idea of how to do boho for overweight older folks. And to still look pretty. I don't seem to be very good at trusting my own taste. But then I've always been that way. I have to keep telling myself that if someone thinks I look foolish, it doesn't matter. If I think someone else looks foolish it doesn't matter to them.

This pic is on here simply because I want a coat like this.

One thing I am sure of is that I don't want to wear grays, browns, army greens. I need to wear color. And I need to see color. And I am so glad there are beautiful boho items out there in beautiful color.

Do you have a place to go?

For years, Lovers Key was accessible only by boat and it was said that only lovers traveled to the island to enjoy its remote and solitary beach. Today, it is one of four barrier islands that make up this state park. A haven for wildlife, the islands and their waters are home to West Indian manatees, bottlenose dolphins, roseate spoonbills, marsh rabbits, and bald eagles. The two mile long beach is accessible by boardwalk or tram and is popular for shelling, swimming, picnicking, and sunbathing. Black Island has over five miles of multiuse trails for hiking and bicycling. Anglers and boaters can launch their vessels from the park's boat ramp.

 Do you have a place to go in your mind when  you are overwhelmed and overworked and
need to take a breather? I do. I go to Lover's Key. It's off the west coast of Florida at Fort Myers.
And when I was there no one could get to the Key except by boat. Years and years ago. Now it is a state park and there are buildings on it and it has tons of people out for a fine day.

It was in the late 60's, early 70's that I lived in Ft. Myers. The hippie, dippy days. Being from Tennessee I was astonished at the nearly naked bodies, the free wheeling lifestyles, the drugs and alcohol I saw there. We had a canoe we named Tennessee. Went camping on Lover's Key. There could not have been a prettier place on earth. The sun and sand and water were perfect. It was a warm early spring with no bugs yet. Perfect. I walked down the beach without garments but with the dog and a little transistor radio playing "I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash. Perfect. It was one of the moments in time that we collect and keep in our hearts. We can pull out those moments and go there for a mini vacation.

The pictures here are what I remember about the key. Between the outer island and the mainland were mangroves that had some great fishing. And some interesting crabs, etc. The sand was white and there were beautiful huge Australian pines up and down the island. I was saddened when I heard later that a hurricane took them out. But we were the only ones on the island. Me, my ex, my dog, and Johnny Nash. Wow do I love that memory.

I need it

I've been really down today.  I have decided to concentrate on different things than have been bothering me. Sometimes those you love move out of your sphere, at least for a while. It's time to focus elsewhere.

These are a few of my favorite things.

 I smile.

I think I can

I'm feeling like the little engine that could. I love this dress for the ease of wear, interesting patterns and the mix. I can't wear something with sleeves that short. But I think I can make something similar to this with a sleeve of some sort.

 It's silky, richly colored, and beautifully patterned. I want one.

This isn't representative of my color and pattern combos but It would be easy to adapt this idea for a dress or top.




I'm thinking I should make some things so I will have something to think about other than the stuff I have coming up. Maybe?????

Me, up to date

Some of the items listed are me. I don't think I shuffle. But the rest fits pretty well.

Lately I haven't known what to say about my life and what's going on. I'm in the midst of some large health decisions. I've taken a sleep test and it was confirmed I have apnea so next week I go back to the sleep center to be fitted with a Cpap machine. Another night of the worst sleep ever. I also am going to be starting the process of getting weight loss surgery. That's right. I have to have help because what I'm doing isn't working. I want to feel better. I haven't written much lately because I'm so tired all of the time that I don't feel like writing or even thinking.

I would have never thought I'd need surgery for weight loss when I was younger. I never did well on diets but I didn't gain weight even when I was being careful with my eating. One of the big things of my sign is Loves food and comfort. Well that is true even though I don't necessarily subscribe to the veracity of astrology. I'm not taking photos lately because of the weight I have gained. I'm going to put a couple of pics on soon to show you me at my biggest yet. And Hopefully I will be able to improve with the surgery and with time. I'm willing to do the work.

I love fashion and because of the love for fashion I have continued to buy things in the large size that I am. I'm lucky in that I can sew and will alter the things as I need to. Some are too small anyway. When ordering from the internet that is a chance you take. Also, the fashion I'm in love with isn't the name brand and arm party variety. I'm a firm believer in dressing to suit myself. I love the bohemian look. I'm too old to pull off some of the looks but there are a lot of women like me around the world who think ethnic clothing is the most interesting. So you will see me trying to make boho work for a heavy 68 year old woman. I live in a conservative area. I suppose I'll stand out in some ways. Oh well!!!!

I am really fond of the people whose blogs I follow. I count on blogs to increase my view of the world and bring me new ideas. Thank all of you who follow my writing for your support. I think I'll need it in the future.

Quick

I had a medical procedure Tues which was interesting. A full day of prep and then recovery after. And of all the worst times to get a really bad cold, I've had it since Sunday. So if you hear a rumble of  ugly thoughts and nasty words going around it's coming from me. I had hoped to blog about a couple of things this week and my mind is so shot I can't remember them.

But I had to bitch.

It broke loose

I went to the doctor. I have a hernia in my big fat stomach. I'd said I didn't want to have pics made because of weight. I eat when I'm stressed, among other times. Anyway, I went to a surgeon. It turns out I will have surgery. Not hernia surgery but weight loss surgery. And if that wasn't enough, I'll be going to a sleep center to find out about my sleep apnea. And I'll be getting a couple of other medical procedures done. And an eye exam.

I remember thinking that if the financial problem worked out I'd be fine. Well, it did. I'll be able to begin work on the house and have pretty new floors before Christmas. Am I happy? I'm just not sure. I think I'm trying to worry about too many things at once. OK. But how do I slow down. How do I really do things one day at a time? I'm going a little nuts here. So thanks for listening to my rant.

I said I was ready

Sometimes I think I spend all of my time waiting. I tend to think-"everything will be alright when _______ happens". I have big plans. Yeah.

Anyway, I will soon know what will happen over the next 4-6 months. I am going to be doing some redecorating. I've already talked about that. But at the same time, I have found out that there are some other things I have to deal with.



I finally went to the Doctor a couple of weeks ago. I have some things I needed to check on. Friday I went to a sleep center to start the testing process. But I don't know when that happens because this coming Tuesday I have an appointment with a surgeon. It seems I have a lady hernia. A tear in the muscle that runs from ribs to pubis. Anyway, it tore in a north-south direction and will have to be repaired. In order to begin working on the sleep thing I'll need to see when the surgery will be and what it will involve. So the house thing is also in limbo. Damn.

You may have noticed that there are no recent pics of me on the blog. That is partly because I have gained weight. I have tried but losing is just not working for me now. I found out one reason why. It seems that when a person has sleep apnea, they don't have a good metabolism and there is a problem with their leptin level. So they tend to hold onto the weight. And they are tired all of the time. And they want to sleep a lot. And boy can I relate to that. I can remember having a hard time staying awake at work and often I'd have to go out to my car on my lunch break and take a nap. I think I have had this problem all of my life. It's practically impossible to get through a day now without a nap.

About the pics. I'm really ashamed of the weight situation. I see people losing weight and when I really try, I tend to get sick to my stomach. It seems empty isn't good for me. So I'm very interested in getting some good help for the apnea.

Because I've gotten some financial relief I have found a place to buy clothes online that are cute and really different from what I have been getting. I hope the surgeon cuts some of the fat out of my oversized belly so they will look good on me. I found that shopping is more difficult now because of the back pain. It's amazing how much back support comes from the stomach muscles. So Zulily is my new go to place for clothes. They have some fabulous things for regular women's sizes and some better choices for plus sizes too. And the kids clothes almost make me wish I had a little one. I've also ordered a couple of things for the house. The way they work their good deals is explained at the site. I'm so glad I found them.

So, as usual, things are once again up in the air. But not boring. Never boring.
 

I'm ready for a change

 You can see that I have a nice deck and some lovely trees in the back of the house. Boy was that deck expensive but I enjoy looking at it and being out there when it's not too hot.
I had a couple of windows replaced with a single glass window and it turned my home around. I moved furniture in the den with the help of my honey and I'm satisfied. I have all of the accessories I need. But, and that is a big one, it needs to be painted and I need new floor. The carpet is 20 years old. It was blue but when dirt and Tennessee red clay are added to blue it creates a sort of blue green orange nasty mess. And after adding the window almost 4 years ago the room still needs repainting. I've let the house suffer enough. And now I'm doing some finaglin' to fix the problem. The kitchen vinyl is almost 25 years old. The carpet in the living room/office is almost 25 years old. And it's nasty. I did get new carpet in the dining room. Now it needs to be painted too. We need new floors all over the house but the expense---dayam.

 This is an area between the house and the garage which houses the laundry room and a bathroom. For some reason living things die here. It gets the late afternoon sun in summer and the heat from the dryer in winter. And I'm planning to put in a concrete piece with some decorative rocks and maybe some ground cover. Another thing to do.
And we have tried to grow grass in the back yard. No go. I don't know what to do next. The dogs don't help much. I'd like to enlarge the fenced area. Not cheap.

I have done some craig's list purchases and have a few pieces on the deck. This fall I'll enjoy cooking and eating out there. And I've decided to cover the tables and chairs over the winter. I'm using the cheap plastic table cloths and duct tape. Is there anything that stuff won't fix.

The chairs in this pic were garage sale chairs and have gone to the great chair rodeo in the sky. I've got to get back on Craig's list.

 I purchased the sofa and chair at a local furniture store and their quality leaves a lot to be desired. I cover the sofa seat with a sheet because the dogs really do shed. The small one in this pic is Cheyenne who now weighs about 65 pounds. Anyway, the table is composed of prebought base and a top made by my honey of left over tile from a job he did. I'll include a better photo later but I'm really proud of him. Again, the carpet is supposed to be blue.

Here I'm looking into my kitchen. I plan on having the whole lower floor except the dining room done in laminate. I've been told that with active dogs it will be more durable. I'm so excited I can barely breathe.

Another problem. I took down wallpaper in the kitchen and bath. At least I took down most of it. I need to prep the walls for the painter. I've put it off for so long because the job of getting it all done seemed overwhelming. I am so excited.

I've been working on the budget problem for the
last few weeks. Even when there is a lovely outcome waiting there is also the stress of worrying if everything will work out and when. Also in
the middle of the process I'm trying to clean out all of the hoarded crap I don't need so that when the work is done I don't have to think any more about what needs to be done for a while.

Life is an unusual adventure for me lately. I'll post things as they happen.

I'm there too

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It just comes to you

 She is beautiful. She is probably my age and she is beautiful. Just look at that smile. And looking at her I feel she is comfortable with who she is. And isn't that what we all want? I know I do. I've spent the majority of my 68 years feeling at odds with what I'm doing, who I am, how I think others see me, and what is real. Many of us are raised with unconditional acceptance from those around us. Others of us aren't. I don't mean to say that acceptance and approval are the same thing. I don't think there is a human alive who has had constant unconditional approval. If there is, they are probably ego driven and not very nice. But acceptance encompasses all of the aspects of a person and is there no matter what. For instance, I accept that my partner has some behaviors that I'd like to kill him for. But I don't because I accept him as he is even though sometimes I try to change some of his behaviors.

I grew up knowing that my acceptance was conditional
on the sort of mood my mom was in  and on the history of her
acceptance from others. You see, this can be handed down like an ugly piece of Christmas china. Acceptance is part trust. It's necessary to trust that the person is doing as much as they can and if they miss the mark, they are still a good and worthwhile person. My mom had days when the hardest trying didn't work to satisfy her. Nothing would satisfy her. It made her and me very unhappy. She didn't know any better and at the time neither did I. Then I married and went to another home in which acceptance was quite rare. There were moments of happiness(when the kids were born) but the majority of the time in the marriage was agony over not being able to please my mate. I had expected to have a partner and friend but instead I had a father and boss. It was a disappointment for both of us.

 I continue to have major trust issues but I have a friend. Actually 2. My ex's sister and I have become friends. And her husband. I love that photo of two ladies being friends. It's beautiful. That is the sort of joy I feel when she and I are able to be together. It didn't happen during the marriage. It's happening now.

I don't want to imply that nothing good happened during the marriage. The baby blue Volks convertible reminds me of some super times. I had one and I loved it. I also remember lovely things about living in Florida, living at the lake in Tennessee, and living in a terrific neighborhood in Knoxville. But there are few memories of the friendship I had hoped for. I thought that marriage meant that someone would always love me and would always be on my side. And by the time the kids came, I didn't feel I would ever have that. Have you ever had a time when you questioned your worth to the extent that you wonder why you were born? It isn't a good feeling.

Well, It came to me. I had based my feelings on incorrect assumptions. I had spent most of my life trying for unconditional acceptance by trying to change myself. I was wrong.

So I'm finally trying to listen to the things I want but had put away. I think it is a good thing old dogs can learn new tricks, because this one just came to me.

Even the good stuff

 Sometimes you see something you want or that you want to do and there is no money or there isn't enough energy, time, etc. I've been putting off doing a lot of stuff in the house because of all of those reasons. And I mean that there isn't a single room in the house that I can point at and say it's done. Painting, flooring, and decorative stuff have been on my mind. Big time.

I have found a bit of a way to finance some of the things that need doing. And I'm in the midst of getting the things, including financial, going forward. So there is stress. I'm not completely sure of the financial stuff. And until I am, there is going to be stress. Dammit, I hate stress. But I had just given up on doing things to make the problems go away. It's like trying to eat the elephant in one bite. No way. So I've gone from overwhelmed and stressed to overwhelmed and stressed. Even the good stuff can cause stress.

I've looked at pinterest and home decorating web sites and I've
found some things I love and will definitely try. For instance,
the bathroom floor that looks like wood is really tile. I think that rocks. And I've put down tile before. I can actually do that. Yes.

I want a house that has a boho vibe in conjunction with Asian, Zen, and Feng Shui. I want a home that is relaxing for me and my honey. And a home that expresses my appreciation for art and other cultures. I need color, softness, and simplicity. The older I get, the less stuff I want to have around me. Part of that is the need to clean stuff that just sits around. Part is the wish that after I'm gone, no one has to deal with a lot of junk. I have a thing for lanterns, candles, and lighting. I thing that's enough to deal with.

Moroccan lantern. I have them. I love them. Light and color. Yes!

I have to be careful not to throw too much color into any situation. I like the colors in the first office pic. I like the colors in the lantern. I search for a happy medium. And I stress.

Those days just happen sometimes.

I'm working on just laying back and accepting the world as it is today. Stopping to smell the roses and to be grateful that they exist.

Doldrums

 I'm into the Summer doldrums. I hate hot weather. There are perspiration, humidity, an insanely hot car when I go anywhere, the fat I carry around, and allergies to something(I don't know what). I stay tired and depressed during much of the months of July and August. I hate heat. I wouldn't do well in Alabama, Louisiana, etc. I lived in Florida for six years. It's unbelievable what heat can do when paired with humidity.

I've long believed that the problem with myself and many other women I know is that we can't adjourn the committee meeting going on in our heads. Lately, a life-altering decision about my future has had me guessing and second guessing myself. Over and Over again. Instead of resting at night, and instead of concentrating on the task at hand during the day.

You see, I've found that my Social Security isn't enough and when put with any other income I can scrounge, I still need more. I think I'm in good company. So my mind is working on ways to increase the income. Robbing banks is out because I can't run anymore. And they would probably catch me. But selling my body on the street corner won't work either. Damn.

Summer is also a time for swollen feet and fingers, and for more trouble than usual trying to control my weight. Since becoming diabetic, it's harder than ever to keep the diet going. Some

people love the fresh veggies and fruits that summer brings. And while I like them, my aging stomach isn't reacting well. I suppose if it's not one thing it's another.

I have bitched enough. I'm sure there are those out there who are right with me in these problems. The fashion thing is not working too well for me now. I feel heavier than ever and I'm reluctant to face photos of me in this state. All of the money in the world won't change that even though it might help. But face it, I have a closet full to overflowing with clothes which are now tight on me and a reluctance to wear anything but the few things that I'm sure will fit. I'm going to take some pics soon. I promise. But anyone who giggles will be forever banned.

A partnership

 In April of next year I will have lived with this guy for 25 years. I am nostalgic. I have found a partner. I never thought it would happen and I admit he has grown into it. He thanks me for anything I do for him. For any meal I fix for him. For going shopping with him. For cleaning the house.

He reminds me when I need to go to the Doctor. Or if I need to pay a bill. Or if the dog needs to be groomed. However he never and I mean never fusses if I do something for myself.
He is unfailingly kind to others, funny, and endlessly entertaining, and loving. And I think he's cute. And now I am reminding myself to be grateful for the horrendous circumstances that brought him to me. Without those awful times we would not be happy now.

This is my Shadow and Brian fishing at the lake. My two best friends.

This is Brian holding my first grandchild. He was scared to death but luckily my grandchild wasn't.









When I'm sad I try to remember to be grateful for a true partnership.

The Times, They are a changin

The picture is of Blair Eadie at Atlantic-Pacific blog. And she is wearing things that are great street style. However, I was born a long time ago. And things like in the photo were our play clothes. Baseball shirt and torn up jeans. Play clothes. Made a little more up to date with animal print high heel shoes. Is it any wonder I get confused. Blair has thousands of followers and wears gorgeous things. And she has a way of creating an imaginative and classy look. With the clothes I used to wear out to play. The times.....

A constant adjustment

Life is often interesting. And worrisome. And difficult. And boring. And fun. I think I'm in need of some fantasy time. I mean it. I need some time to live in a fantasy land. I've been overwhelmed by life. Money out, no money in. It seems that every time I decide I'm doing better, something happens. This time it was the computer. It quit. And it's funny but I lived through it.

We have one computer in the house. We both spend a lot of time on the computer doing one thing or another. We have a sort of routine. It is comforting in my old age to have a routine. But the computer is just another in a list of expensive repairs that have been done this year. I got lucky. It was fixed without a huge bill.

We talked. Since the computer was down, B and I had a long and fun conversation. Then we watched TV together. You know, it was actually a good thing.

But back to my comforting routine. I'm finding it's time to break out of the routine again. I've gotten back into the habit of not taking pics of myself. I look in the mirror in the bathroom when I've showered and dressed and I'm both pleased and angry. I'm pleased because I have some fairly nice things to wear. At least they look OK to me. And I'm angry because I haven't lost weight and I want to. I find that I eat without noticing. I don't plan meals. That isn't a good idea for a diabetic or for a person needing to drop pounds. And when I look at pictures of me I see a whole other thing. For some reason I don't look at all good no matter what I wear. Well it's time to do pics again so I'm more aware of what others see. It's harder to fool myself if I post a pic.

Yes, that's it. I'll take some pics.

Just in case

I am truly thankful for any comments I get and I accidentally lost one from Kathleen. I am so sad.

Passion vs. ambition

This is a thoughtful Thursday for me. I've been thinking about how to enlarge my life. I began by thinking about the things I've done to push myself and what was my motivation. I've decided that ambition wasn't it.

To me, ambition is outward. It's wanting to succeed but even further, wanting to succeed in the eyes of others. Ambition is  sometimes a part of passion. But you can't be truly ambitious without being passionate.

On the other hand, you can be passionate without being ambitious. Passion is often thought of in a sexual sense. But I think the only way to be creative, and to achieve goals is to be passionate. Ambition is doing something because it will enhance your status. And ambition can be part of your makeup without bringing achievement. In order to really achieve, the passion must be there. Einstein said, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." To me that means hard work and passion.

When I look back on the things I achieved in my life, there has always been passion. I became excited about what I was doing. And if I wasn't excited, I never completed my task. It becomes a thing that you can't not do when you are passionate. An artist can't not create. A salesman can't not sell. A caretaker must take care of people or animals or something.

I don't know how to create passion. I wish I did.

Better late than never

I've been noticing that I have a skewed view of some things. Truth. What a concept! And to get to the truth in any given situation has always meant something to me. I've been told that I go for the bottom line(not money) when discussing things but I never thought I was lying. And in all of my 67 years I never realized that the truth is not basic reality. For example, you are involved with someone and you think they are "good people". Well if you watch ID TV you can find out that people are only what they want you to see. There are con artists, criminals, and just plain nuts all over the place.

I have always thought people were basically good. I have re-examined that concept and sometimes I see that they aren't. I choose to think of those people as broken. Just as beings can be born with genetic physical anomalies, they can also be born with psychological ones. And that is when the environment takes over and further molds. I don't believe in original sin but I do believe that babies are born with certain tendencies. For instance, I believe that I was born with a tendency to feel abandonment as death. I didn't find out about that till my late 40's and I'm still finding out the many ways it affects me. But I still feel that most people are basically good. And it is how we choose to act on our version of the truth tells the sort of person we are. Not good or bad. Those are arbitrary ideas that don't have a place in my thinking. The sort of person who chooses to be friend or foe is more like it.

I have seen politicians who truly believe a woman won't get pregnant from a rape. Even some women believe that. And there are many who believe a woman should have no choice about completing a pregnancy no matter the circumstances. There are men who think of women as their property. There are those who consider sex slavery a way to make a living. There are those who kill for fun, or to right a perceived wrong done to them. There are women who think it's OK to break up a family to get a man. I personally believe an unwilling man can't be taken but that's just me. I personally hate guns. I personally don't believe in stealing, from the government or anyone else. I personally believe that loving others is the way to go. My truths!

The truth about these and all other "facts, truths" in life seems to be very much in the eye of the beholder as is beauty. Some folks think body builders have beautiful bodies. That is their truth. Others see extreme thinness as beautiful. And there are those who love heavier people. That sort of truth may seem unimportant but for the overweight, thin, or muscular person that sort of truth is important.

Truth. Fact. Belief. Guess what! These seem to all be different things. When I get dressed up and look in the mirror I may see myself as looking good. Or I may compare myself to a different sort of truth and see myself as looking fat, or old, or silly. I've decided I need to define the truth for me. This about the things in my life. And if I want to compare, I'll try to compare myself to my idea of what is good and comfortable and pretty for me. I'm 67, an old dog still learning new tricks.

About those other concepts; rape, politics, etc. I am a jury of one. I must define what works in my view and stick with that. And I must allow others to do the same. If I disagree, I'll say so and then shut up. The stress of trying to change someone else isn't worth it.

Down so long

An old saying, "been down so long it feels like up to me", came to mind as I thought over my recent past. I decided to make myself focus on things that make me happy instead of letting the daily stress continue to make me crazy.

The first thing I share is my love for art and color. In my mind they go together. I recognize the artistry in some black and white photos and in pencil and pen drawings. But color speaks to my soul. And I am totally drawn to mixes of color. The art of Glass by Chihuly, the mixes of Klimpt, and even street art. I love the colors of Spring, the sunsets, the rippling of water, the fashions of the East, underwater life, and all other things colorful. I smile when I see an Iris.

 This person was my friend for the 14 years she lived with me. I am not, however, going to limit my love to just her. I love dogs. Big ones, little ones. Happy ones, grumpy ones. I see in them the dedication to a full life that I aspire to. They have a problem, they just get over it and go back to being happy and loving beings. One of the dogs I have now doesn't seem to know how to be still. Her tail wags if she is awake. Constantly. (the other one doesn't have a tail) I have complained about having to go to the bathroom accompanied by a dog, but she pushes the door open and we love. Love is good anywhere.

I have recently found ball jointed dolls on pinterest. Previously I have loved art dolls, Barbie, Bratz, and others. I like them because they are able to show me fun, fashion, and frivolity. I'm a fan of the Creagers, Jack Johnson, Kevin Bunton, Paula Nerhus, and many others. The best thing about dolls is that I can't look at them without smiling. Mealy Monsters and Chicken Lips dolls are a joy. And Halloween wouldn't be nearly so much fun without a witch doll. Smiles in spades.

 Jewelry. From the time I was little I have loved jewelry. I've made jewelry but for some reason I don't wear my own designs. Well folks, I am about to change that. I am forced to redo my craft studio. I've not been in there in the last few years. I've been too hung up on health difficulties and constant tiredness. But I think one of the reasons for tiredness is a lack of something to get excited about. I'm about to take care of that. I may move slowly when I work around the house. But at least it's something to look forward to-the day I can sit down and be creative.

I don't wear scarves. So why is this photo amongst those things I love? Because the pattern is ethnic. I have been wanting to be a hippie since I saw Easy Rider in the early 70's. I had a friend with a Chopper which I rode. I had a motorcycle for a while. I loved the song, Born to be Wild, and still do. I felt stifled by expectations and the hippie ideas were my way of breaking free. But I didn't go with the idea. I stuck around and further stifled myself until I cracked completely. Now the hippie and bohemian fashions are popular with some. They include ethnic patterns and colors and they remind me of the freedoms I wanted. I'm in a completely different place in my life now but I still have dreams of faraway places with strange sounding names. I have been fortunate through TV and the computer to see, second hand, the places which seem to draw me. And now, I'm able to put those things into my memory book almost as it I had been there.

Last week I met a man. I am totally happily involved with my love of 24 years and don't wish for another relationship. But, this man I met came to inspect the installation of my air conditioning replacement. He had a t-shirt that referred to the Dragon. This is a road near here that bikers from all over the country come here to ride. This man had a pony tail, was in the very early sixties, was very neat and clean and was very open and friendly. I saw him as being totally at home in himself. The vibe I got from him so relaxed me and so comforted me. He was a total lesson in self acceptance. I loved it so much that I decided to remind myself of him when I try to put myself down. In my experience, self-acceptance is totally difficult to achieve sometimes. And having reminders is good.

Spring has sprung. But the weather is still unusually cool. I believe it almost makes up for the money crap that this year has brought. Meanwhile I will try to focus more on the things I love.